I cancelled todays plans.

I cancelled everything I had on because I was just too tired and fell back to sleep. I’m going to have to wait until Thursday for the washing machine guy to fit me in again but right now I don’t want to even be awake. I was in bed all day. I fell asleep for a few hours but I am still very tired. I know that certain things aren’t going to happen now because once again I m not good enough. I have struggled without support for years. Even when I did get help it was inappropriate and left me traumatised. I only ever wanted a friend but all I ever got was a load of rejection which led to me having multiple issues resulting in a possible personality disorder (that I’ve never been willing to let them them confirm for stigma reasons. It’s hard enough to get accepted with an autism diagnosis. I literally think I have some form of PTSD after the punishments I received for my difficult autism traits. However, getting assessments and a diagnosis for those conditions are quite difficult especially with the NHS being in the current mess. I have an appointment to see if I have physical stuff wrong with me in a few weeks. I was surprised that I only had to wait 3 months from the date of letter(6 months from when I was actually referred). I’m highly doubtful that I do have anything physical. I think my toe, knee and finger issues were just unfortunate injuries. I twisted my ankle quite badly on the same side that my toe went swollen and bent. It was swollen on that ankle for months. I’m sure the stuff that was floating around that foot wasn’t helping my toe. I don’t know why my blood test was a bit off but it maybe due to drinking alcohol on a daily basis at that I did that for a long time (the weight gain of two stone showed that).mental health referrals can take a lot longer to go through. You’re talking years not months and I can’t afford private. Anyway, even if I did meet the criteria for ptsd/cptsd at this point I’m highly doubtful that the right help is available anyway. I need to be ok enough to finally get off of that 117 section aftercare clause. The implications of that has caused my issues so I have to come off of it. I’m putting in the complaint to push for that meeting to discharge it asap. I’m not going to be letting anyone hold anything I’ve said against me to not discharge it. As far as I’m concerned the implications and stigma of being on that (people being able to access my past on health and safety grounds and then using it to blatantly justify discrimination against me) has caused my current issues. If they don’t take that into account then more complaints will get put in until that discharge happens. I was discharged from actual mental health services in 2016. There was no need for me to stay on that clause but social care just left it on there. I was obviously deemed ok enough by a psychiatrist because they have to do that to discharge someone. I want my freedom back and to finally put my past behind me. I won’t be able to do so until they completely discharge this clause from social care side. I don’t know why the social care system are so hellbent on making the lives of vulnerable adult’s miserable. It went that way as soon as social work became more about identifying risks than helping / supporting people. It needs completely stripping back to its former role before things went the way that they are now. It’s not an easy job but there are far too many in that role making judgments and punishing their clients for who they are… some never learnt that all communication is saying something even if it’s not verbally expressed.

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