This has become a feature on here slowly so I’ve decided to do one of these late night thoughts sections on probably a daily basis. It may not be on a consistent schedule but I will try to do it daily. I’m nice and chilled ready to begin after taking two cbd oil gummies (haven’t taken them for a while).
I used to speak about A a lot but then stopped for a while. Tonight I’m going into how that situation has affected me long term etc. I am not saying these things to get at A on a personal level. I no longer harbour any bad feelings towards her. I want to go into the knock on effects it’s had on my life. We all are aware of the legal implications of the restraining order she had against me during criminal proceedings which I used to protest about a lot because I didn’t feel that I deserved it. She wasn’t a nice person and I just could never see that before I ended up burnt. I try so hard not to let it affect my future relationships but that is really difficult. I fear the past repeating that is kind of an obvious thing to everyone that meets me. I still have a general distrust for other people which is also from other situations in my past too. I can’t just put the blame at A’s door for being unable to trust people nowadays. It wasn’t just her that let me down in the past. There are many people who did that right from school, in the system when I was in a psychiatric hospital/ care home and throughout my son’s adoption. I was already somewhat broken when I met her. The situation that kicked off with A just put a lid on everything to cause long term psychological damage. I’m a lot better now but it’s taken me 6 to 8 years to heal emotionally and only the last two years have felt more settled mentally for me. I don’t know if I can ever let my guard down to be in a relationship with anyone yet. I do want more children but I’m scared to go ahead with that due to my first child going for adoption. I would be petrified in the hospital that children’s services would just come in and get any future children or mine. That isn’t a good way to start the journey of being a mother. A met me just after my son’s adoption had gone ahead. I literally got into university 2 months after I had notice that the adoption had been finalised. People just don’t have compassion because they assume that you did something like abuse or deserved your child to be sent for adoption. They don’t believe that child protection teams ever get it wrong or are involved for assumptions due to disability. I heard that A came from a shitty background where her family kicked her out and didn’t really give a shit. I would have never neglected my son like that. I was never given a chance to even be a mum. They gave me 8 weeks living in an impossible situation until it inevitably fell apart. Then they turned around and blamed me despite the fact that I went to see the manager telling her it was getting too much a few weeks before it fell apart. I was a good mum despite what anyone may think or assume because of him being adopted. I put him first and the mum guilt was so brutal every time I had time to myself. I was 24/25, quite naive and felt quite young but I gave it everything I had, fought so hard to stop the adoption but none of it was good enough. I feel like I have had to justify myself to everyone I’ve met since when I talk about Jonny. I did my absolute best and pushed myself harder than ever to try to stop what happened. But back to specifically how the situation with A affected me. I no longer feel self worth. I always feel like the person that ends up with me won’t be getting anything worth their time and effort. I see myself as the scraping of what is left at the bottom of a barrel after everyone’s coupled up. The one that gets left with me is unlucky and has the worse pickings etc. I literally feel sorry for them because I don’t feel I am enough as a person. I can’t change that perception because that is how the trauma has affected me. I literally see myself as below everyone else now. That will be super hard to change ever. It’s hard to feel deserving of good things when everyone has told you that you’re not worthy of them growing up. People tell me I’m only 35, there’s time to heal and rebuild my life, have more kids etc. Those emotional scars could take decades to repair though. I may be too old to have any more children by the time I get to the point of being properly healed. Then there’s trying not to see anyone else as the same as A. That is very hard. If others do something that triggers me to think about A, I feel like they are going to do exactly the same things to me as she did. The person in front of me may be being honest and legit with me but I’m fearing hidden agendas and backstabbing etc.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 