I just need to just not and completely disconnect.

I have been torn for weeks … yes I am also awake at 3 am again. The sleep pattern gets slightly better but always verges back into being awake at a stupid hour. I say to myself that I’m going to walk away from situations that are frustrating me… but I just don’t do it. I pretend not to care and put up a wall so that those things don’t hurt me emotionally… that helps but to do that I’m also popping things like ibuprofen for my injuries which helps them however also numbs my mind to how things are making me feel. That results in me eventually getting ill like I’ve been the last couple of days. I feel rejected and I can’t let go of that. I popped pain pills for weeks to not give a crap about that feeling. I’m the type of person who just can’t do what they need to do in order to not end up in active addiction territory again.