Shh I’m a hermit today.

I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn’t. I thought that this whole not being able to sleep crap was over. Nope. It has come back. I just want a few more hours sleep. I don’t have to do much today so I have the time to catch up with sleep. At least my monthly hasn’t played up at all this month which isn’t how it normally is but I’m thankful that it’s behaving itself. It was late but at least it hasn’t flooded and it’s nearly done after just 3 days (normally hangs around for a week). That’s one less thing to deal with. I’m not even depressed… I’m just done at the moment. I don’t even feel anymore, don’t have the energy to give a shit about stuff. Physically I can go for very long walks without being tired. I’m emotionally tired from years of no support (for disability – autism) and being parted from my son after he got adopted. I have started to feel it now. I felt it before but in a different way. I showed it for years in regard to behaviour but now it’s internalised because I was made to suppress it after I constantly got punished for it. It has caused damage but there is no way of undoing that damage. I’m stuck like this for life now. Mentally I struggle to function a lot because my brain is kept busy coping with the lasting emotional trauma that I’ve been left with. I never catch up with the housework… it’s always a mess around here. The cats even get annoyed with the messy environment. It’s not dirty. I try to make sure everything is clean but being tired means it gets really untidy and stuff just gets everywhere.

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