More late night thoughts.

I just got into bed after staying up late. I know that I said I was going to start going bed earlier but I was waiting to take my coat out of the washing machine. I went for an evening walk and didn’t actually get my dinner until gone 10pm. I have used my brain too much today. Earlier I nearly put bleach in the bath that I was running rather than the toilet. I managed to realise after only putting a tiny bit in the bath. It wasn’t too bad because there was a lot of water to dilute the bit I accidentally put in there along with soap bubbles. I can at least say that I’m extremely clean now as bleach disinfects stuff. I felt like a complete idiot. I’ve never been that dumb before. I knew that I felt tired but I didn’t think I was that tired. Luckily, I didn’t put too much in before I realised. It didn’t burn me so I was fine.

I also have been thinking… I think too much… but I came to the conclusion that those who won’t give me a chance as a friend or even a situationship (as the kids of this generation refer to it) probably never will be prepared to give me a chance in that department. I said a lot of brutal honest things that I can’t take back and literally couldn’t play it cool because I was far too pushy. I’m not good at being laid back. People just think I’m weird. They aren’t ever going to want weird people in their lives. I’m not exactly something that is worth anything. I can’t even feel passionate about anything anymore. I don’t know if it’s depression or trauma, it’s not happening anymore. There is a point when you’ve been alive for a while and start to just lose the sense of excitement about life that you had as a younger person. It’s the same shit different day fatigue and it sets in hard. I don’t think I even like the people I tend to be attracted to… they are merely a distraction from the meh experience. I look for the most interesting person around at that point just to make my existence less boring. I thought I cared but I don’t particularly care about anything or anyone nowadays. I’m numb after trauma… you just don’t feel like you did before. Everything just seems so far away. I’m disconnected even when I’m in the same room as others. I think my mind does it so I feel protected. I can’t get hurt again if I’m not connected to anything or anyone. I know that I will probably never be the same again. I can’t expect to ever be able to feel stuff again or connect with others.

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