Woke up early. :(

I got woken up by the cold air in my flat. I left the heating on low and it’s still freezing. I’m not being being nasty to others because I don’t move on. I just want to show them how I felt when they became cold with me. I spent days not wanting to even get out of bed. It made me feel extremely low over Christmas on top of what I already feel each year due to my son being adopted away from me knowing there’s no guarantee I will ever see him again. I have only ever wanted to be loved etc but I wasn’t born into a life where that was available. Then it seemed that no one could actually love me. I just wasn’t a lovable person I presume. It seems like that has remained the same. I was never a horrible person. I was starved of love from a young age and that made me try to snatch it from others. I never appreciated being labelled negatively, punished, bullied and made fun out of… I have always been able to write but it’s taken me years to put all this into actual words. I just want to be able to be close to another human (even though they traumatised me) and feel the love that others take for granted. I’ve always remained on the outside feeling unloved. I’ve never been able to get into a relationship because it’s just not something I’m comfortable in. As I said before, I never liked anyone who has ever approached me. I am not someone who can start that kind of thing off with no feelings there at all. I ended up overly cautious and forever on my own. Even though I’m quite up for being friends with others, I still won’t let them that close because I’m not used to it. I’ve been a lone wolf type too long to ever let my world become part of someone else’s. I have met so many people that were cruel to me while I was growing up. They made fun of me for who I was in many ways that I couldn’t even see until I got older. I didn’t understand how it was back then. I have always been a little backwards up until the last few years when I seem to have caught up. I didn’t realise then but now I do and it was out of order. The things that people did was horrible. I was always just a kid in comparison to all of them and I was just made fun of and punished. I can’t do anything about it but I can call out the behaviour on the blog. All behaviour is communication… I was punished for expressing how I felt and what I was going through. I was basically ostracised and made fun of behind my back for being traumatised. I was then punished for being traumatised. That was out of order. I let it slide because I believed that it was all me not anyone else’s behaviour. Others really have to check themselves too. I was only trying to communicate as an autistic person… I wasn’t being completely mean and not understanding toward other people.

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