Well, yes I have changed.

I apologise for becoming what some would call ‘materialistic’ nowadays but I realised that no one really gave a damn about each other. It is all about status and wealth. I used to not care about designer stuff but when there’s a chance to own something named at a decent price I will try to buy it. That is only stuff that I actually like… I wouldn’t buy anything just for the fact it was designer. I’m not one to really care about my looks much. I don’t even wear make up (although I should because my face is not the attractive type – it is pretty obvious that others can see that because they thought I ‘looked downs’ when I was born and my face was a huge target for bullies). I have a distinctive look which I can’t really change much by make up. I’m starting to consider fillers now I’m aging but not got the cash to get them (top lip has really flattened). Anyway, I put so much effort into every other aspect of life for many years. Then I look around and see that the only people that are doing well in life are those constantly trying to make money and those showing that they’re well off. The other aspects of life really are very minor in comparison and no one is going to want a poor person who relies on benefits. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but that is the real world and exactly how it works. You’re never getting a decent partner or friends etc if you’re seen as nothing due to circumstances. Even if you have a limited cash flow due to having to rely on benefits because of being disabled or whatever, looking the part is key! Even if you have to save up to buy stuff to look ‘rich’. I have a Louis Vuitton purse which I have had for a few years, a yves saint laurent bag that I got at Christmas.The coat I have literally worn to the point it’s got a lot of defects (it’s going to be changed soon) is river island. The trainers that I own are sketchers (not as good a brand as it used to be). I pay for things in instalments if I cannot afford the full price straight off. If you don’t invest in yourself then no one else is going to be bothered to invest in you. That is how it works. I’m currently chucking half of my stuff out because it’s not used or worn any longer. It’s a mess that I need to sort out. I’m doing it slowly. It’s too overwhelming to do all at once. I went the gym earlier today. I had a break from all the weight machines so I had to start small in comparison to what I was doing before I had to take a break due to injury. I still have those injuries so I have to be careful and not do too much in one session. I’m only going once a week at the moment. I’m eating more than I was previously because you need the extra calories when building muscle otherwise it won’t work. It’s only my third session back so my muscles are just getting used to it again. I can’t do it more than once a week right now because it will be too much for my injured finger and knee. It’s a slow process of getting back to normal. I’m sure that those injuries will heal with time but not if I push them too hard. These types of injuries need some form of movement to heal but not too much it injured them more. The balance of that can be trial and error. I can feel the injuries healing but they don’t feel completely normal yet. I’m feeling fat and bloated at the moment because my monthly is late. I can feel it building up to start, it’s probably changing it’s date by a week again. It has done that every so often for the last two years. I try to plan everything around it just in case I get one of those days where it will embarrass me by flooding etc. That is hard when it decides to spontaneously change its dates by a week. Apparently, there is something to do with moon cycles. We either sync up to one or the other depending on the forecast of our life at that point. I saw an article on it a while ago but can’t remember details and can’t find the article via search engine to check details. I’m off to sleep now because it’s 3 am. I got home later tonight which is why I’m still awake.

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