Awake at a stupid hour.

I had been to sleep briefly but woke up again. I should’ve come on my monthly but that’s late again. That happened last month. I think they’re getting close to stoping for good. That isn’t what I want because then I don’t have the option to have any more children. That would’ve not been so bad if I hadn’t lost my first child to adoption. The chance to be a mum wasn’t allowed by people and now that may be also the case by nature. I’m suddenly starting to age too at a faster rate than ever before. That is also something I hate about the whole process. I don’t know if the whole thing can be stopped or slowed down seeing as I’m only 35. I don’t particularly want to mess with that stuff. I get flooding sometimes regularly so messing with hormones may make that worse. I’m generally feeling quite underwhelmed by the world around me at the moment. I’m just uninspired and just don’t particularly care. I used to be the type who cared a lot. I’m now the complete opposite. Life screwed me over and now I’m not bothered. I don’t see the point in caring when no one really bothers about each other. I’m not even depressed. I just no longer feel anything on an emotional level. It’s so much more bearable being numb. There is no disappointment and the process of just existing in the same sh*t, different day mode no longer matters. I don’t even have to accept anything because I can’t feel anything in connection with my feelings. I have made myself a human robot. I feel that is better than what I used to be. I can no longer get hurt like I constantly used to do in the past. Maybe it is a trauma response that shouldn’t really be a permanent state but I like being this way. I’m protected from being hurt again for the rest of my life.

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