It isn’t the discrimination that is the worse part…

The things I’ve been through which were veiled discrimination wasn’t the worse part that has affected me long term. I see the times when others have literally made fun of me for who I was throughout my life. Those things replay in my head more times than my actual experiences which caused my trauma. The looks that people gave me flashes in my head and lead to me having zero confidence to ever go back out there. People have made fun of how I communicated (written form) and how into people I seemed to be at any given time. They didn’t understand the autistic thing or the trauma response of trying to get a secure attachment because I never had one. I never had any attachment emotionally to my own parents etc. That just never happened. There was reasons I wasn’t just some emotionally cold child. I always had a lot of inner love to give but no one seemed to want it outwardly. I question whether I even am a genuine caring person now. I used to be. Then people treated me a certain way. I simply can no longer be that way after others constantly humiliated me time and time again. Teasing and making fun of someone hurts them quite badly. That doesn’t disappear in time. They remember every single word, look or action others have made against them. It’s not a thing that you can simply get over and move on from. It affects how you trust others in the future, some people end up single for life because of the awful things people have said or done to them. I don’t have the confidence to do anything in life because I’m scared of people making fun of me again. I’m more scared of that side than further discrimination.

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