Used to it…

I woke up quite early because of being asleep by half 9. I will probably go back to sleep for an hour because I’m still tired. People always talk about self confidence, esteem etc. I had all that originally before I was made to feel uncomfortable by others for just existing or just plain unwanted. I look around and see others being treated a lot more friendlier and people being loving to them. I know that maybe I was always a bit too honest about having autism which people seem to have some unconscious fear about but that doesn’t make it right. That is why I have to get off that 117 thing to show everyone that I have been approved as safe… maybe I will never be completely sane but I’m not a danger. I hate to say that I’m literally used to being treated cold and kept at arms length but that has been my life. That is the price that you pay for being an authentic person. I also look at myself and think that probably I definitely wasn’t born with pretty privilege or others couldn’t treat me that way. I often wonder that if you never grew up with love that means no one is going to give you any when you grow up. You don’t have the same value. That sucks necessarily those that didn’t get it originally probably need it more than the ones that were surrounded by love their entire life. I’ve come to the realisation that people are always going to be cold toward me, push me away and just reject me. It doesn’t help that as I’m on benefits I’m seen as poor. Even working I would be seen as poor (and underclass – meaning you are worthless at the bottom below everyone else) because I probably couldn’t earn as much as I get on benefits. I wouldn’t be classed as underclass off of them but my life would be harder. I’m not going to come off benefits due to the perception of others. I literally don’t know how to work or how to navigate all those processes and will end up in a mess. I’m too afraid to come off of them because there’s no way I can make enough money long term.

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