Plans didn’t work out.

I literally woke myself up that early for nothing. I have booked a collection myself for next Tuesday so that I know it’s happening. I have a time slot so I can work my sleep pattern around that. I’m going back to sleep for a while because I’m absolutely exhausted. I think trying to reset my pattern actually made it worse. I’m totally going against my natural pattern and it’s made me feel wiped out. I need to rest for a while. I have a few days just to ‘be’ until new year. I need to get up to do rest of flat cleaning but I’m too tired to even get out of bed at the moment. The cats are sprawled out next to me so they’re comfortable. I can only do what I can do. I don’t have the capacity right now. Emotionally I’ve turned myself off. I’m literally too tired to feel. I am trying not to let my brain think but that can be difficult because autism stuff makes my head full a lot. I hear others say that they had a day or two of nothing in their head… that concept is alien to me… how does that even happen? I’m over what others have done in recent weeks but my head is saying these 100 ish reasons could be why they walked away and this is like 1000 reasons why someone else doesn’t like you etc. I’m sure that the fact my own mind is awful to me is caused by the BPD part of me. I can be cruel to myself in extreme ways. I will literally give myself a silent lecture about why I’m not pretty enough, intelligent enough etc. I will let my own head will tell me that I’m an unlovable weirdo which can’t expect anyone else to accept them. It’s probably true though because I always get ditched by those that I open up to. I’m just too weird or whatever. That is just how reality has happened for me. I don’t even reveal myself fully to anyone now so I literally only revealed a tiny percentage of myself. That was obviously weird enough. It does hurt but I’m so used to it that it’s actually become the norm to me now. I just got to walk off and forget certain people ever existed. I kind of have already walked away in my head at this point. That doesn’t take away the hurt that rejection caused me because that is a separate thing. It’s easier to let someone else go than to let the pain their actions caused you go. It’s not keeping me awake now. I normally fall straight to sleep but it is hard to stay asleep. I don’t know if I dream because I can’t remember doing so at the moment. I remember one dream the other day but right now it doesn’t seem like I am dreaming like I used to do. I still have an active mind but it’s quietened right down. I’ve felt so far away since about September this year. It’s like I’ve been disconnected from the outside world. I have had really bad memory issues but long term sleep problems can cause that.

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