I don’t know why.

I’m still awake at nearly 3 am after watching a late film on television. I’m very tired so this won’t be a long entry. I let the cat out in weather that is windy and wet so he will probably be asking to be let in soon. I was thinking earlier about how I’ve always given to others but barely ever got stuff back. Of course, it is not right to do things for others in order to receive. I never did that. I just always seemed to be putting in the effort and never getting any kind of love back throughout my life. Although it’s not in my character to not offer my love to others, I’ve pulled it back from those that never reciprocated it. Free love may seem like a good idea in theory but it’s not when it’s only one sided. I’m obviously not a lovable person or others would have loved me back. I have occasionally appeared desperate which I try hard not to do because I only seem to get things when I’m acting cool and unbothered. I’m considering adopting this whole aloof lesbian player type persona because I know that it works. Unbothered aloofness makes women literally flock towards me. The whole being mean and cold thing absolutely has worked. The thing is I can only keep up the act for so long but that’s not me underneath. It’s not just about getting a relationship that I deserve after all my failed attempts. I just want the kindness and good things I put out to be returned to me. I’ve literally given my all in life, made so many sacrifices (letting my son grow up with strangers with no possibility of me ever seeing him again was a major sacrifice). I was people pleading for years just to get nothing positive back. I was always putting my own needs aside in favour of others needs but life still didn’t give me positive stuff in return. It feels like I’m seen in life but then afterwards I’m swept back under a rug when I’m no longer needed etc.

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