I literally cannot remember hardly any of this year.

I was thinking earlier on my walk how I cannot remember any of this year. It’s gone so fast and I never really lived just went with the flow. Then my memory started going because right now I can’t remember anything. I have my hair constantly catching on things and breaking off because it’s just lost all its strength. It wouldn’t be too bad if it hadn’t done that at the roots too in places. I’m focusing on the fact that by next Christmas I will probably (hopefully) have moved away. I’ve worked out that if no unexpected expenses happen I can have the money together by summer and then find a place by next September. I haven’t made this decision lightly or just because I was upset. It’s something I felt I had to do for a long time. I can’t settle here and as you can see that lack of being able to rest is now starting to impact on me in multiple ways. I never wanted to come back and it’s evidently never going to get any better. I’m too tired to stay here any longer. I sometimes even feel suicidal because I’m just so tired and need a break which I can’t do around here. The memories aren’t good here. I don’t even have a handful of good memories compared to the bad ones. I want to be somewhere I can actually relax. I do t think I actually sleep proper ever and haven’t since I moved back here. That’s really difficult after a decade. I physically and mentally cannot do it anymore. Trauma eventually starts showing outward regardless of how much you try to keep it in. I see my surroundings where I grew up, I see the awful memories with it again and again over and over. If this area hadn’t stolen my son it wouldn’t have been so bad but that amplified it. It would be weird if my knee and finger issues cleared up completely when I move away. I wasn’t allowed to express outwardly that I was upset without knowing I was going to be punished throughout everything that happened in the past. I was forced to internalise it. I wish the repeated number thing would stop… it’s got ridiculous the last few day!

%d bloggers like this: