Paranoid and worried.

It is stupid o clock but I slept a lot earlier which is why I’m awake now. I need to throw my tarot cards away or at least put them somewhere I can’t check them when I’m laying awake at night. They fell over onto the floor earlier with 4 cards that I don’t like falling off the top of the deck. Then I checked them in regard to a situation I’m becoming paranoid about and according to them my paranoia is well founded. I don’t want things to stay the way that they are in many aspects of my life. I want certain things to just return to normal as they were before I messed them up. There is a reason why it’s the norm not to cross over certain lines in every day life. It completely unbalances things. Those cards are showing potential trouble like my own head is telling me which is causing paranoid thoughts. I thought I could do things against the grain that weren’t the norm to begin new paths with others but I now wish I could erase the last month or so of my actions. I wish that I’d never be brave enough to go there because all it’s caused is major anxiety for me and aspects of my disability to kick off that I had managed to settle down. It was completely a huge mistake to go there in the first place. I now look bad to everyone and even worse I may even seem completely insane to everyone else. The cards are saying I’m going to get seen as a criminal again and everyone is going to completely withdraw. I should have just left it how it was before without making my moves. I’m terrified right now. I have a fear that my past will always repeat on me for life anyway.