Going sleep earlier means that now I’m awake. I had more official communication I was too tired to mention.

I went to sleep again after getting up for food. I was very tired and only had about 800 calories again. I burnt about 400 walking from one place to another today. I know that it doesn’t seem a lot to other people but I don’t get hungry much. That number of calories seem to be the desired goal for my body. I feel sick if I eat more. I know that I sound ungrateful for what I do have when I say I don’t have anything. I do have some stuff. The cats and somewhere to live etc. I still always feel that the life I wanted was ripped away from me after Jonny being taken for adoption. I apologise but I can’t look at it any other way. I got an email from the MP’s caseworker (one of the people I got involved in the whole 117 section aftercare thing when those in charge of it were dragging their feet) with a reply they got from the other department involved in these decisions. It sounds like they’re still discussing the issue to decide the way forward rather than proceeding with a discharge meeting. I was told the opposite by the mental health team manager during their last email who encouraged me to make a complaint due to wait experienced in arranging discharge meeting. So now I know the exact names of the people who are involved in trying to keep me on this clause (I got that intention from the wording of email). I’m not staying on it. I haven’t received support services in nearly 6 or 7 years. Therefore, we all know fully that it’s a monitoring type section purely made on the decision of health and safety assessments which will be by people who don’t even know me most likely on bits of information that were never recorded correctly by the system in the first place. I want nothing from them but a discharge. That is firmly my position and I am determined to enforce my position to get that outcome. They’re dealing with a person who has literally learned every single detail about the system in general. I probably know as much as those that work in it … maybe more in some areas. I only want my freedom back. The freedom that everyone else gets and takes for granted. There is no clear cut way that being under the clause affects a persons life specifically but it will always allow the authorities to have an easy way to step into my life if I do have children or whatever in the future. There is an unwritten stigma of being on that clause which has made people treat me differently because only those that have been sectioned are on it. I will not be equal to others until I am removed from the clause. I have well and truly paid for my mistakes as a youngster several times over and I refuse to take their excuses any longer. They have no intention of ever providing me services at any point of my life even when I’m old so I’m certainly not allowing them to keep me on that clause on the basis of maybe this or that will happen way into the future. The way things are going for the social care system in this country, people will most likely be left without support to die once they become unable. There is absolutely no way I’m ever going into a care home as an elderly person. I was in a residential care home for people with autism when I was in my early 20s… never again. I have never been out of this country but certain places won’t let people in without doing checks on background. I want that option to travel freely even if I don’t use it. It’s bad enough being labelled for my autism initially but the 117 clause can let checks access any info about me, the fact that it was incorrect on the system shows it needs to be taken off so it simplifies the situation of having to get incorrect info removed. It cannot be shared if I’m off the clause. They will not have the permission to legally share any information from before the last 6 years. They literally have to archive or dispose the information from over 6 years ago after I’m discharged from clause. I have seen the hurtful things which were put on there about me in bits. They upset me and caused me psychological distress because I know they weren’t true. I’m not the only one that this has happened to but I’m not financially in the position to raise a legal challenge to officially get damaging information removed from official records completely. The fact that I’m being kept on that clause because they literally never have an end date is also deeply psychologically damaging to me. I’m never going to be given a chance to have a proper life until I’m off the clause. It will lead me to suicide if they don’t take me off of it which is entirely contradictory to the initial point of the aftercare section. They aren’t helping people. They’re causing them unnecessary continuous suffering by the psychological abuse of misinformation (much of it I find really personally hurtful) and the impact it has on a service users life. The whole supposed help system seems to just be abusive in general. I was screwed up more by the systems ‘help’ than I ever would have been without it. They literally destroy service users lives by the things that they do disguised as help. As I have always said, it’s not about helping people. It’s about containing and isolating a problem on a purely mechanically risk assessment basis. We are not treated with dignity or any respect because we are stripped of our human status as soon as we get entered into that whole environment.

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