No sleep again.

I didn’t manage to get to sleep. I wouldn’t mind so much if I could catch up with sleep during the day but I can’t today. I have to be up to get things sorted that are important. I thought that I was done letting stuff keep me awake but that seemed short lived. I’m now worried again. I don’t want certain things to stay the way that they are right now. It seems unfinished and that bugs me. I don’t know where I stand. I presume it’s a no contact connection forever. That has always been the case for me. I’m not sure though because my intuition is fighting between the narrative that has always been the situation in past connections. It’s telling me that in this connection it will change but because it’s never done that in the past I’m not believing what I’m picking up. That confuses my head (doesn’t take a lot) and then I can’t sleep again. It’s difficult to tell whether my intuition is blind misguided optimism… like it was in other situations in the past or there is hope currently in time even if it’s only small steps in the right direction. I need hope but misguided faith in something that will just never change won’t help me ever sleep properly again. I said that I would take things slow in any friendship formed (it certainly can’t be anything else because said person is married) but the connection seems like it can’t be mended because of mistakes already made.

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