I feel like I’m dying.

I am not being overly dramatic here. I feel that bad with this migraine. I got up to put a cold migraine pain relieving strip on my forehead. It feels a lot better but I have to be back to normal by the morning because I can’t not do what I have on tomorrow. It’s not something I can cancel. I thought disordered eating was a choice mentally to not eat… nope, sometimes it starts to manifest as just not being hungry. I’ve only eaten 600 calories today (I track everything on my phone). I don’t even feel hungry and to me it has felt like enough. However, I burnt 500 ish calories on my walk (also tracked on phone because it simplifies weight loss). I’ve felt too sick to eat much and at the moment this is all I can manage. I am not walking every single day because of my knee so I’m not building up an appetite that I had originally when I was doing walks almost daily. I’m not even trying to starve myself now. I’m just not particularly hungry right now. I only ate 600 calories the day before yesterday too. Sunday I had 1,321 calories (only 400 ish of that was actually food, the rest was alcohol), approximately 900 calories on Saturday, Friday I had nearly 1,400 calories (again, only 500 of them we’re actually food, the rest was alcohol), Thursday was about 1,300 but only just under 900 of that was food, Wednesday I had 800 calories, Tuesday (last week) I had nearly 700 calories. That’s my diary from the whole of last week. I’m mentally over what others have done to upset me now. I literally don’t even care in regards to rejection sensitivity because I was open about it and that allowed me to move on. I acknowledged it and carried on with life. I’m an adult now. I have to let go of that inner child pain about being rejected because it’s a waste of energy. As I was saying earlier, it is what it is. Shit happens. Sometimes you’re just not good enough to have in someone else’s life. Some things don’t work out for a reason because they’re just not meant to be. None of the recent things were meant to be between myself and another person. I see it as an accident. As someone who is intuitive that kind of swift meeting and pulling away thing happens from time to time. It must be made to mean nothing as if paths had not crossed in any shape or form. I’m not saying that I don’t care … I’m too caring for my own good sometimes. I am of the opinion that regardless of feelings or if you care, letting go as soon as possible is the best option. You can even still be nice to someone even if you’ve broken the connection energetically… which I have done now. I can’t completely block my intuitive side which can be quite annoying but I can pull it right back. I have pulled it right back in regard to all others stuff because I am very tired. It gets exhausting going about your daily life being hit by random stuff from other peoples heads. It’s important to disconnect from that part of me especially when I’m not well. I get migraines a lot when I’ve been around other people because many others carry extremely heavy energy. They normally aren’t aware of it. I can assure others that I become very aware of it because I end up with migraines etc. I don’t think this one is caused by that this time. I have a cold so my head is blocked up. I like being alone at the moment. It’s peaceful. I need that for a few weeks before new year. I am really comfortable with my own space right now.

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