The old me is slowly coming back.

The title of this entry probably put the fear through some people from my past. That isn’t a bad thing that the old me is coming back. I will never be over what happened in my life… anyone that tells you that is completely possible is over simplifying the whole process. The way others are toward me for whatever reason doesn’t make me sad whatsoever. Yes, it pisses me off but I no longer feel that deep sadness that I used to feel when people were off with me. I feel things are changing and I won’t need validation. As I said the other day, I make sure the blog is literally everywhere and am planning to collaborate with everything I’m offered in the new year. And, I must stand out with this hair colour because a total stranger complimented me when I was out this evening. I was trying to not stand out but apparently it’s a thing I just can’t do. It’s annoying a lot because of living in a small area and trying so hard to be private in some areas of my life. If I want to ever have relationships / friendships away from my public persona on here I’m going to have to blend in. If I have anymore kids (that is a big if right now), I will NOT have a repetition of what happened with Jonny. I will put a stop to that bullshit as soon as I find out anything that is going on behind my back. As I said in previous blog entry… no one attacks or try’s to destroy what is mine! I even put a stop to potentially damaging gossip by going to the source and shutting them up. I don’t physically do anything to anyone. I know exactly what to say and how to make my presence felt. Violence doesn’t need to be used… people just need to believe that you aren’t going to put up with certain things said behind your back. It does help that I can stare at them and pick up stuff too. I try not to scare the shit out of people with who I naturally am but sometimes it’s far too tempting to resist. I will help people with my gifts too so I keep it all balanced. It depends what is said to me and if it is something personal that really digs deeply into me. There are certain things I will bite at… along the lines of anything connected with my son and how I must have been a very bad mother to lose him. I fought too hard to stop his adoption back then to be told that. Also, about me going back into journalism now that I’m okish. I don’t have a press pass so no one will talk to me on an official basis. If I do walk back into it then I will have to be declared fit which I’m not sure that I mentally am at the moment. I’m better than I was rushing things too soon when sometimes I want to stay in bed the whole day might be too soon. As always, I will give tip offs to those that work in the industry if I stumble upon something in my daily dealings with others and if anything happens where I’m at to the younger generation coming up. The ones that are making me feel quite old despite being mid 30s. I started doing bits really young. I think I started getting the odd bit published in various publications from the age of 14. It’s been a very long time… I can’t remember. I definitely wouldn’t have been much older than that. You won’t find some of them because when I had issues at school I started using other names. I’m ready to rejoin that life now but hit to the point where I am officially a member of the press or influencer. I will gladly show the youngsters how it’s done though, they have a lot to learn that they do not realise yet. I was the same at that age. I still have my moments but I pride myself on having ‘the edge’ as others refer to it. If I lost that then parts of me would be gone even though it makes me a pain in the ass sometimes. You don’t get nothing if you don’t make an effort or push as much as possible. This works professionally not personally by the way. It definitely will destroy personal connections. I’ve had to learn to pull back without constantly going on at someone on a personal level because doing that causes them to walk away which is not the goal. You can have anything on a personal level if you try to keep the balance.

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