It is what it is and it can take years to accept that.

I was always the type to make contact first. I still am a bit but only when I think what I have to say is important or meaningful. I went through years of others just not bothering to communicate with me. I literally broke my own heart waiting in certain people for many years when I was younger. Then, regardless whether you like it or not, there is a point of acceptance reached that others just won’t bother. I was always a lot younger than many of those I did reach out to throughout my life and the whole general opinion is that you should stick with your own age group etc. That has never been something I’ve ever wanted to do. I may physically be 35 years old but even as a child I felt so much older than others my biological age. I didn’t fit with them. I just couldn’t relate to what they were. I never thought like a child in the intellectual sense. I was always a bit backwards in the maturity sense but I’m sure that stems from the trauma experienced while I was still school aged. People know you’re autistic even before you’re diagnosed. People know you’re not straight before you realise and start hinting what you may be to the outside world. That will be shown to you during school years from both teachers and students. Anyway, back to what I was saying, certain things will just be regardless of how they make you feel. You may just naturally be an individual who gets overlooked, undervalued and basically seen as lower than others. That status is chosen by the outside world and there’s nothing you can do to change that. If you try to effectively fix that then the outside world will drag you down further. The place in life is chosen for you… try to fight it and you’ll get slammed down in your place harder than you ever anticipated. You are exactly where you’re meant to be at any given time. Timing or whether something is meant to be or not is not up to you. It happens when it happens and sometimes it will never happen at all. That is how it works. It may be annoying that certain things will never be but it is exactly the way that it is. The things that happen to people in life isn’t always kind. Some of those things make absolutely no sense but for some reason they are all part of what is laid out for us. It isn’t fair. This existence generally isn’t fair. You can be the most kindest generous person ever and still experience the worse things possible in life. You could be the most awful person that exists but get everything good in life. It is pot luck and all depends what occurs or if certain opportunities pop up. Opportunities can also be taken away too by whatever means. I waited around years for things to be sorted and fixed between me and someone else who I refer to as A on here. That was never going to happen but it didn’t stop me from hoping. I reached out to my son’s adopters years ago always wishing for a letter back. It never happened but I still held onto that hope. I’ve got to the point in my life where I’m no longer holding on to that hope because that never will make me reach acceptance. Hope means that I’m holding on for something to change in my favour. Acceptance is fully letting go of the energetic cords connected to all those situations. That doesn’t happen until it’s no longer painful emotionally to let go. There’s no way of doing that until your head has reached the point it can fully let go. I don’t think I could have got to this point before now. I started the year as an entirely different person before coming off of antidepressants and letting go of my anger toward certain things that happened. I still display my anger toward things but the intense feelings I had constantly are now gone. I can express how stuff pissed me off without that intense anger that ate away at me for years. There is no moving on or any chance of divine timing bringing in changes that you have wanted if you don’t move on from the place that you were in when certain things happened. That is how it works… you can’t walk into the new stuff that was never meant for the old you. This spiritual stuff isn’t a thing that you can trick either. There has to be a genuine change in your feelings etc because you can’t pretend with this stuff. Other people will see through it outwardly but the energies that surround us all can literally see right through us, there’s no hiding our inner self from them. I have come quite far in a year but I’m not completely there yet. I still affected by stuff which wouldn’t happen if I was fully spiritually aligned etc.

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