I actually slept and my knee / finger is a lot better.

I woke up early because I needed the toilet but I fell asleep straight away again not long after I had gone to bed. I’m not getting my hopes up that my knee and finger is finally going to actually heal but the swelling has gone down in both of them. I have a bad habit of pushing myself before I’m properly healed which I hope doesn’t happen because it feels so close to that point now. They both look near normal size now. I tried that deep freeze stuff. I hadn’t tried it before but at that point my knee was that swollen I was open to anything as another option to try. The swelling went down dramatically after the first few sprays. If it does that in one dose, imagine how much the swelling would go down after a week. I’m still taking painkillers which were helping a little already. I take them at night rather than during the day. If things keep going a certain way then it is going towards healing rather than flipping backward into getting worse so it never gets to that healing stage, that has been happening for months with my finger. I would describe my knee as an on and off injury. It will randomly flare up from time to time. I managed to get the swelling down in the other knee (when that one was injured from gym for many years) and it finally healed to the point I’ve never had any issues with that one again. I probably injured the other one at the gym more recently. I think that’s how I did my finger. I think I’m muscle woman on the weight machines and start increasing the resistance too quickly. Then I tried to carry on with my normal level of activity after getting injured. That’s really not a good idea even if some days the injury isn’t feeling that bad. Physical injury is easier to cope with than mental injury though. I have things that repeat in my head due to previous experiences. The issues that I have around rejection means that in my head I see the last time I saw someone who looked at me funny and basically blanked me in the street. I now let that get to me and all I can see is that person was cold toward me and that becomes a fresh mental wound in that department. I’m sure that people are busy but no one gets how opening up to anyone is extremely difficult for me after my past. The fact that I felt comfortable enough to be open with them and then they suddenly go really cold on me really isn’t good for how I feel about myself in general. It’s a huge deal for me and it’s like they threw it back in my face and in a way humiliated me. Others probably can’t see that but trauma leaves scars and certain even very minor interactions which are negative in nature can slice them back open. That’s when those negative interactions repeat in your head and it makes you feel sad / rejected over and over again. Most people don’t take it personally because they don’t have trauma but I am left thinking am I that much of a dislikable person? That doesn’t help my self esteem in general because I always act authentically and then start thinking that being exactly who I am is a bad thing. I was kind of conditioned to believe that as a child when I was growing up anyway. I still have that wall up between me and the outside world because of that.

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