I’m not ok and no one can see it.

I just told my mum I wasn’t going to hers for dinner and apparently Christmas is now cancelled so I’m going to basically be treating that day like a normal day. No one cares that I’m suffering. I just get ignored etc. I’m tired of it all to the point where it’s making me ill. I can’t do it. I just need a break from my own head. I just hate it all. I don’t want things as they are in several scenarios. I’m not asking a lot but for the outside world it must seem like I am. I have wished for miracles for years. These things just don’t happen. I’m autistic but I haven’t had support for years. It’s been so hard. I’m fairly independent but that isn’t a choice, it was something I had to do. I feel alone. I know a lot of people who I could continuously interact with via online platforms day and night. That doesn’t make me feel any less alone. I don’t have anyone specific in my life. That’s what I need as I get older. I didn’t care about settling down until very recently. It was never a thing that was important to me. I didn’t mind walking through life as a lone wolf type character. I want to feel secure now and I really don’t right now. I try to be understanding about what’s going on in other peoples lives. I wish that others could understand how I feel at the moment. I haven’t been out. I was in bed all day hungover. I have a swollen corner of my eye which feels sore which I think is part of the hangover. Drinking is a horrible way to escape from things. I don’t even want to do it. I just do it because to me I need it so that none of the above matters. Then I no longer care. I only ever wanted love. I’m never going to get that so I fill the hole where that should be. I’m not a lovable person. People show me that by how they treat me. I’m just not even getting up today because there is no point.