I wanted to crawl back into bed since I got up.

I’m so glad to be back in bed today (well, tonight … sleep pattern really doesn’t allow me to really know what time it is anymore). It’s so tiring dragging my swollen leg around. I went out to do what I had to do. I came home and got to bed as soon as I had eaten and changed bed covers. I feel like I have a migraine coming on. I keep forgetting stuff and can’t see very well. I can see enough but it all seems weird. I probably do have depression too … kind of realised while doing that mental health diploma course last night. I literally have all the symptoms but there is absolutely no way in hell that I am going back on antidepressants. They are a treatment that works for some people but I can’t keep the weight off on those things. I want a drug free existence… ok, right now I’m having to take painkillers daily for my knee but they aren’t going to be long term. I’m going to try to naturally get over this disinterest in everyone and everything without antidepressants. I know I sound really vain when I say I would take them again if there was one that didn’t result in weight gain. I find being larger quite depressing in itself. I have a certain weight that I’m comfortable at and right now I have at least two stone to shed before I’m at that ideal weight that makes me who I am. That is part of my identity and what I want to be. I would never sell the idea that skinny is best on here. It’s my preference for me. I have absolutely no problem with others being exactly what weight they want to be. I would feel irresponsible if I was drilling the idea into the younger generation that they had to be a certain weight as an ideal. I hated that growing up. I would never become that voice. I’ve always never been on the skinny side but I like to slim into a size 8 to 10 because this is who I am in regard to identity. There’s nothing that pisses me off more than all that 90’s size 0 stuff which was the narrative that entire decade. As I used to say back then, my bones are probably a size 6 on their own due to how I’m built. I look petite but this is just how I look on the surface. I’m quite broadly built structurally despite being on the short side with small hands and only size 3 feet. I have short legs but they are quite dense (especially my thighs/hips). I’m also quite dense around my shoulders too. Some people do have a heavier bone structure. There has been studies to prove it. It’s not the same as those saying they’re big boned because they are overweight. Even at my lightest weight I have a wider frame yet had barely any body fat on me. These things aren’t straight forward and everyone is built differently. It is never a good idea to compare how you look with another person’s appearance. This will always lead to disappointments. Anyway, back to the original topic… went off on a tangent again. I can see depression in me. I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to go out socially anymore. I’m always physically and mentally exhausted which sometimes makes it a struggle to even function day to day. I do feel like I’d rather be dead than existing this way. I like other people but at the same time I just want to put my walls up to be on my own. I used to have so many dreams and goals. They are all gone now and I’m emotionally numb most of the time. I was the one person that always had hope that things would change, get better etc but now I’m no longer this way. Maybe, now that I’ve grown up and see the world for what it really is… I realise that there really isn’t much hope in life. Everything comes to an end regardless of how much hope you hold. There will be some people that say I’m not depressed… merely seeing life as the temporary thing that it is without the rose tinted glasses of a younger person. I never wanted to lose that child like part of me because that somewhat kept me going even when I was tired. I saw the world in lots of magical colours but now I only see the grey harsh dullness and there is certainly no magical element to reality.

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