Christmas doesn’t mean family gatherings for me.

I know that many people are spending time being invited to gatherings this time of year. I don’t envy them much because those things make me extremely anxious. I don’t have that life. I haven’t really seen my dads family much since he passed away nearly 13 years ago. Mum’s family don’t invite us to things either because since dad has been gone she has refused more and more invitations as the years have gone on. They do drop in to see her very occasionally but not often. I do send my cousin and aunt on dads side stuff at Christmas and birthdays (not every single birthday but definitely most Christmases). I have sent my aunt stuff at Christmas on mums side who lives in another country. I wasn’t really invited after dad passed by his side. After what happened with Jonny’s adoption, I said no to all invites from friends and family. I’ve only seen both my cousin and aunt on dads side literally a handful of times since dad passed away. After all this time it would be weird to be around them because they feel like strangers to me. I was born into an older family so all the older generations were gone by the time I was ten. I also had middle aged friends who had parents the same age as mine. Dad would have been in his mid 70s by now and mum is only two years younger than him. I will be dead if I give my mums age on here. As time goes on and other people age I worry about when the time comes having to take care of an inherited home which I’m probably going to sell as I want to move to a new area. Dad passed away suddenly (yes he had an illness but he had lived with that for many years). Life could just suddenly throw all the stuff at me that makes me really worried because my life will completely change and I’m not sure I will be ready for that. I want a peaceful life without arguments with family which may well happen when my mother is no longer around. I’m totally on my own after that unless I make friends but let’s face it that isn’t ever going to happen. As for my son, I left my email on the blog a few nights ago. Those adopters have now shown they have absolutely no respect for me because they didn’t contact me. I make sure the blog is constantly out there and even if I’m not out there myself in person I make sure that I never leave the spotlight. I’m not one of the birth parents that you can steal from and then dispose of. I won’t allow that even if it takes years. People may not like this attitude but it’s how I’ve survived the things I went through. I don’t hold back anymore because no one takes advantage of me like they did in the past. I have learnt so much endurance that eventually I make sure that I come out on top. I will get back what was stolen from me, it’s not a matter of if it’s a matter of when.