Let me tell you something about hope.

I am intuitive… therefore, I know when ‘hope’ is seriously just going to lead to breaking my own heart. I really want to believe that people I wanted to become friends with will have a change of heart in time. I have just NEVER had that happen before. As I said the other night, people are people, conditioned in a certain way and nowadays I don’t expect much of them because they’ve let me down so many times in the past. You don’t suddenly start meeting people who are decent, especially as a vulnerable adult. Decent people don’t want to know vulnerable adults unless they plan on screwing us over. I’m not being pessimistic. It’s realistic and others would be able to clearly see that if you’d had my life so far. I know I’m friendly but closed off at the same time which makes others not trust me because normally those that do that behaviour are hiding something. I’m not. I’m honest… probably too brutally. It doesn’t matter when Christmas passes… no one is going to reach out to me. They just don’t like me even though I tried my best. I may try a little hard sometimes but that kind of shows I’m genuine. I didn’t chose to be that way. It kind of just happens when I get excited in a connection with someone new. Once I’ve known them a while I have such a laid back way of maintaining all kinds of relationships. I can naturally go cold so easily. I get in my own head a lot due to being autistic. I also zone out a lot to cope with emotional pain, Christmas period it happens a lot. I find it easier to literally switch off than cope with the season. I don’t want to do that too much because it affects my memory (I have forgotten pass codes and passwords recently which would have caused issues if I hadn’t set facial recognition up on my phone). I forgot how to drive momentarily earlier when I got in with my knee in a lot of pain. I am in the bath now and the lump in my knee has literally moved to the opposite side of my knee. I really do want to believe that people can be different but from the examples I’ve met in the first 35 years of my life the hope just isn’t there whatsoever.

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