I actually slept properly last night.

I woke up quite early byt I actually slept so good last night. I kind of wrote all the trauma I was feeling on the blog throughout yesterday and physically resting seems to have calmed down my mind enough to sleep properly. I was never shutting my head down which prevented me from sleeping. That is hard to do unless you physically stop … which I don’t like to do because that means my head will think about my past and that brings back the trauma. Then I have to face it again which isn’t pleasant. Then I literally start seeing people I know in the present exactly like they were from my past. It starts to merge and I’m then thinking constantly that everyone I know is against me. It’s not like others haven’t been cold toward me recently. I took it to heart and let my head think too much. Guilt has kept me awake so much recently. It doesn’t matter how many times people try to tell me it’s ok … I don’t believe them because I always think I’ve done something wrong. Sometimes, I just think me existing is doing something wrong. That is really not good but as I said in previous blog entry, people are people and that is how I was made to feel growing up. I literally cannot see them in any other way because they never showed me that they were any other way. I’m left feeling the trauma of the so called help system for the rest of my life. I was never helped. I was just labelled with lots of things and never allowed to actually be a person. It wasn’t until recently I could see that. What was the point in putting me into a system where I was contained, locked up and kept monitored? That’s not help. Especially since after that the system took my son and eventually kicked me back out to cope by myself ever since. I’m still full of trauma that was given to me. The whole of that stuff earlier in my life didn’t help me, instead it left me isolated and cut off from the world because mentally I just can’t do stuff without being affected by what has happened in my past.

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