That sleep was rather brief … awake again.

I got up to do a few bits so I’m not behind myself when I get up later. I literally only slept for like an hour ish.. I slept the whole day nearly so I probably didn’t need much. I had to pull the sides of my toenails out of the edges again because they were digging in… and I’m not backing down and going back there. I think I’ve managed to do it because I no longer feel anything digging in. It is ok if I can do it good enough so that it doesn’t grow back in after a few days. I found the cotton wall that was put in there. I wasn’t meaning to take it out, it just happened. I can actually turn the heating off tonight because I kind of have my own internal heat system going on with hormones. It can go from one extreme to the other though. I was feeling absolutely freezing earlier to the point my feet felt like ice. I did come on my monthly but it’s like only a trickle… normally it’s the other extreme. I have my suspicions that I’m going through the end of them and have been for a while. I was quite sure that I was perimenopausal for a while now. This feels like it’s approaching the real thing though. I’m only 35. People have gone through it younger though. I’m stood by an open window and not even that cold. It feels mild to me despite the fact that it’s saying it’s – 2 out there. It is normally absolutely freezing in here at this time of the morning but it feels fine to me. The therapist friend I have thought that the issues I had was caused by psychological trauma after my son was adopted. I have that connection but it was brutally severed and that was my lasting effect. I have had issues since not long after his adoption happened. The timing may not be coincidental. This process can build up over many years because perimenopausal comes first and then it progresses to the full process. If it works in decades then it’s moved on a stage. I came on this month but it was barely anything and doesn’t seem like it’s going to go any further. I know that you can have tests to see if you’re at that stage but I’m mentally not ready to go there. I don’t want the finality of being told my time to have any more children is over. I wouldn’t mind if I hadn’t lost Jonny to adoption but it seems so unjust after everything. I know that I have been very emotional recently but many empaths types have been so I put it down to one of those things. I don’t like having monthlies but I also don’t want to not get another chance. I’m not sure about having any more children but at the same time I don’t want nature to take that option away. I want it to be my choice. I had enough choices taken away from me in life by others without nature deciding my time is up in that department. I’m going to see how it is this month before I start worrying. It is handy having your own internal hearing system in this weather though. I normally get hot when I’m bed at night at times every month but it’s normally very short bursts in comparison to actually being able to walk around with my own internal heating system for at least a few hours. If it lasts the whole day or something I literally don’t have to pay the stupid amounts to use the heating… it literally saves me money. There’s always a positive if you look into everything.

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