I couldn’t sleep again. I have been thinking.

I decided to do some thinking while I was unable to sleep. I really need the results of that x ray because my finger has swollen up again tonight. There has to be something that came up on it. I literally can feel the bones moving sideways in my finger… like rolling within my finger… it was doing it slightly when I went for x ray. However, now I can feel it more up my wrist. I have to use my hand to do everyday things, plus I write with that hand. Anyway, that wasn’t what I was thinking about. Multiple people have told me they cannot read me when in their company. That got me wondering if it will stop me making friends etc. That may be why I find myself with no friends I actually hang with offline. The being unable to read a person has got to be a red flag for most people. It’s kind of annoying because I can literally feel stuff randomly from others but I’m like an empty shell to them. There is a fine line between mysterious and creepy and most of the time I don’t get that right. I can’t go back to see someone else in a professional capacity again even if I changed my mind. They said they would still do that but I messed it up far too much. I’m sure as hell never going to get a chance to make a friend at some point in the future now. I made a complete fool of myself and showed me too much. If people can’t read me then they won’t know how to take me as a person. People don’t just go by what is said, they look at the person and try to gauge their intentions too. How is anyone supposed to trust that what I’m saying is genuine? I’m probably unreadable because of things from my past. I had to become that empty shell to deal with certain things. The fact that people can’t read me doesn’t make me feel normal. Im sure that I cannot be the only person that has ever had this said to them but it’s made me feel so disconnected.

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