This is what you don’t understand about autism.

I’m sorry but uneducated comments get to me enough to do an actual blog post on it. It may seem obsessive and weird to others but that is just how the outside world perceives layers that they don’t understand. As I said previously, I don’t talk about my inner self. I only really talk about things on a surface level otherwise I start to feel too exposed. I get naturally over excitable when I meet new people. That is an autistic thing but probably is made worse by the BPD. I go into people pleasing mode and before I completely mentally blocked myself from the favourite person thing that would also kick in. You can be hyper fixated on people due to past trauma. That doesn’t mean it’s something to be concerned about. There are very few autistic people that will actually do anything toward someone else because of the above. I cannot say that it doesn’t happen because my character is different from others diagnosed with autism. I had my moments as a younger person when I didn’t take rejection well. I still don’t like it but I wouldn’t try to ruin someone else’s life. The intensity of an autistic mind is probably hard for neurotypical people to understand. They just don’t see life stuff intensely. I can get something in my head if I perceive it as injustice. I won’t let go of it because I literally can’t until I get justice or whatever. Trauma plays out differently in an autistic persons mind. It can impact on their future ability to get into relationships and keep them. I have never found love yet because trauma doesn’t allow me to go there. Then I’m sat wondering to myself… do I deserve love ? If no one is prepared to actually love me? Is it something I will just never have? I have my walls up but I crave love at the same time. That is due to others shaming me for stuff in the past. I don’t think I can possibly explain it any clearer. I literally don’t know how to describe anything any clearer.

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