It’s not hostility… it’s fear.

I may outwardly appear hostile sometimes but that is fear. I’m not openly going to say it’s fear that often because I don’t show every single layer of me on here. I may seem open but that door is only ajar. I was never going to be unaffected by the things I’ve been through in the system and in general. I’ve never been able to let my guard down and trust another person … ever. I did when young and I’m never going to fully recover from how I got treated for doing that. We live in an unsafe world where it can dramatically backfire being honest and open. I then kicked back when I was punished so I became an awful person to basically survive where I ended up. Even if I’m seemingly at ease I still communicating with my walls up. I see what others have in their lives and I will never have that because I’m so fearful and feel the need to control everything and everyone around me. Trauma can cause that. I wish it wasn’t that way. I know that I will never hear from certain people again because things get said in ways all the time which actually means no in between the lines. I now ended the professional part of the whole thing so I’m no longer connected at all. I had to walk away after the other day because of the way they reacted to me just walking passed each other. I didn’t want to but that is what others wanted. It doesn’t matter about what I want. Life has taught me that it’s never what I want. I’m not a deserving person due to many things. I don’t think I can ever lower my walls to let anyone else in whether it’s friendships, relationships or whatever. The only option I really have where I’m not in fear mode is being on my own. I’m in tears just thinking about that because I also don’t want to be alone my entire life. I probably also feel like crap because I didn’t go out yesterday and slept most of the day so didn’t see daylight for about 5 days or more.

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