I don’t want to be awake today.

I didn’t sleep much because I didn’t get to sleep until this morning. I’m not ever going to be settled. I hate feeling like I’m at conflict with anyone. I’m a peaceful person. It’s hard thinking that I’m never going to speak to other people again. I should protect my energy more but this is partly why I cancelled future appointments. I can’t be too free and easy because my walls automatically come up and make things complicated. I also far too easily want to fight anyone who is saying it’s not true that social services but kids up for adoption too much when they could stay with their parents. Those that don’t believe it are simply enabling that practice to continue. I would have never believed it if I hadn’t gone through it. I heard stories that I thought were way too far fetched before I had my son. I didn’t believe them because I literally thought these things can’t be happening. I thought wrong and ended up going through it myself. It’s simple… the more who don’t believe these things happen, the same practices continue. It would be totally illegal to sneak hidden cameras into these closed court hearings but I would be prepared to make it happen because I feel that this is the only way to sway those that don’t believe. If we start leaking multiple videos out into the public then evidence is circulated which backs up what we have said after our experiences. Those that arrange the cameras to be in those hearings could be charged with contempt but if it ends the lack of support and child snatching culture of a system that quite frankly cannot be bothered when it comes to welfare of vulnerable people… that seems totally worth it in my eyes. No one will believe the cruelty of the system against those of us who have autism etc unless we film it and leak it out there on a mass scale. There are now cameras everywhere. It was harder to do before literally everyone had cameras on their phones. I don’t want to feel like I’m going up against people because all I want is peace in my life after everything. That’s what I feel is automatically happening and I don’t want that. The things that I have involved myself in as an activist does cause conflict between myself and others. I don’t want that to happen but also if I feel strongly about something and also been through it, the balance is simply not negotiable to me. I’m relentless in my approach because I know that is the way to get listened to. It doesn’t work in my personal life and I do find it hard to flip from one mode to another so sometimes I’m in relentless mode when I shouldn’t be. People just seem to abandon me when they get to know me because I just can’t dampen that side of my personality. I always have my walls up so that appears standoffish. That shows that my activism is needed because I’m like that due to how the system treated me when younger. If people manage to get passed that exterior protective wall I’m not that bad. I do have a softness underneath but this doesn’t get shown much. I am childlike but I don’t like showing that because people think your naive and take advantage. I can’t let people see me like that if I’m trying to lead certain activism stuff. It was harder when I used to look very young and actually resembled a child in my mid 20s because any authority I wanted wasn’t obtainable due to the perception that no one wants a twenty something who looks younger being in a leadership position. I was also quieter when that age and wouldn’t stick up for myself so got bullied a lot. I’m not so involved in the activism stuff nowadays because I’ve grown up and constantly tired so I only dip in and out of it. The tiredness comes from constantly living with my walls up. It’s hard never being able to properly mentally rest. I swear that even when I’m asleep my brain never stops being active. That can be quite annoying when random thoughts literally wake you up. I would honestly walk away from the activism stuff and never say another word if the right thing came along in my life. I’m aware that activism doesn’t give people a stable life which is what I’d prefer. Of course, I will never forget the things I have campaigned about but personally I want freedom in a way. I know that there are plenty of people who will continue that stuff. I want to be able to finally not have to live with my walls up always looking over my shoulder fearful of other people who haven’t agreed with stuff I’ve been involved in. It’s horrible and it affects every connection I make in my life because even when I’m being friendly, half of me is on my guard which is hell when it comes to the anxiety that gives me.

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