I didn’t chose this. I don’t want this.

People look at me as someone who has this mega independent life and I don’t rely on anyone else etc. I absolutely hate my life. I never wanted any of this. I wanted to be part of a family but mine was absolutely broken so I never got it. That is something that I can’t be blamed for because it was like that way before I was born. I don’t sleep because I feel so alone. People tell me I’m still young enough for life to flip around. At this point that just isn’t going to happen. The loneliness is reducing me to tears at the moment all the time. I don’t even want to meet anyone. I just don’t want to keep existing this way. I do have kind of friends but they’re so used to me not hanging with them that we don’t meet up etc. I made it clear when I lost Jonny that social stuff was never going to be a priority because, as I said, I always wanted be part of a family, mine was taken from me. And you expect me to be nice to others? They never was nice to me growing up so why should I be? People have a habit of taking and never giving me anything back. So I’m no longer giving anyone anything. I’m also the only one who holds their hands up to making genuine mistakes but then end up with others who actually don’t know me personally, because they never bothered, chucking it back in my face. Whenever I’m upset they come and rub it in. No one ever gives me a chance. They are so quick to criticise me but don’t actually know me at all. They judge me by other people they know with the same diagnosis. Every autistic person is different! If you even bother to read the blog (most people don’t) they would all see that autism isn’t the only thing I have. I was given more issues by how I was treated early on in my life. What is the point when none of you read my stuff? When you dismiss me as a person?