I went to bed earlier but still didn’t sleep.

I made an effort to try sleep by going bed early but I’m still awake. I have been laying in bed just scrolling on TikTok after getting fed up with just laying there doing nothing. I don’t want to think because a lot of what is on my mind is keeping me awake. I tell others I don’t want things. I tell myself I don’t want things. That is to avoid disappointment. If you don’t hope then you can’t be upset when you don’t get stuff. I also find it difficult to believe that I deserve any sort of happy ending either. I hurt all over from walking in the cold this evening.We weren’t one of the places that got snow but I still couldn’t feel my hands or even my legs until I got in a warm bath after I got home. Then, a few hours later my bones start hurting. That is a reason why I’ve stopped the walking every day. I am also quite tired due to my inability to sleep consistently at the moment. It’s a sleep/wake up pattern which makes me feel like I’ve had no sleep. Things are playing on my mind. Interactions I’ve had with others stress me out when there’s nothing I can do at a stupid hour of the morning. If others don’t reply I can’t be reassured that it’s ok. I build things up in my mind where I am some evil monster and I feel everyone can see that. Then they end up wanting to run away etc. I can’t help that… my brain likes to torment me with these things to prevent me sleeping. I’m at the point where I don’t get much rest because my head flits from one potential really awful scenario to an other. I try to tell myself I worry for nothing but then my other of my head says I’ve said or done something terrible towards someone else… multiple people sometimes depending on the weeks interaction.