I don’t want to change my life. I can’t do it.

I recently felt like I could do stuff but now I’m not sure. I’m always too tired even when I’ve slept. I don’t want to change all my life because I’m not able to do so. That isn’t me being negative. That’s me being realistic. I’m used to my life like this and any other non routine things make me anxious because I haven’t been out or done much for so long. I was happy (well, at least content to not care about merely existing) when I was getting through everyday life taking painkillers to mentally do life. I’m not saying it’s a good habit but it helped me when I was in the education system. That is probably the only way I could ever hold down a job too. I was drinking alcohol on a nightly basis editing the blog because even making that better / more professional is pushing me to addiction again. I was happy in that state. I gave it all up and now I miss the numb, not giving a shit feeling. It’s how I dealt with no love in my life. I didn’t need that kind of thing because I replaced it. I was an empty shell now I’m back to normal (as normal as possible for me). I would rather have the void of no love filled because I’m not happy empty. I can at least do life popping painkillers and drinking alcohol. I don’t even want to be awake during the day because existing sucks.

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