This isn’t worth living.

I didn’t wake up until really late. I hate existing this way but I mentally can’t change it at the moment. I am going to go for a little walk later. The colour has washed out of my hair which is really annoying. I couldn’t leave my hair dirty but those things are only temporary and I washed it a few times to get rid of product build up. I woke up with no knots in it after teasing them out with oils last night. Meanwhile, the letting agent is still insisting on an inspection happening in the month of December. I’m sorry, I say no for mental health reasons. I’m allowed to do that and they can’t discriminate because I’m saying January is ok. I don’t think people realise just what it’s like to have constant reminders of what was taken from you … at Christmas it’s very children oriented and that’s hard because it makes me feel more alone. It was bad enough taking my son from me… they could have at least given me some form of contact so that it wasn’t this awful for me. If it was reasons related to my disability as to why they took him for adoption then that wasn’t my fault, I didn’t chose to have a disability so I should have been given contact at the very least. That’s why I say that his adoptive parents have absolutely no respect for me. I did write to them when he was about 3 and they didn’t even bother replying. I was just told by the post room to keep my address up to date if I ever move. There was no order made saying they had to give me letterbox contact etc. This shouldn’t have happened. It’s one thing legally stealing someone’s kid but it is another level of continuing cruelty to deny even the slightest contact using aspects of my disability to even justify that. I had a life sentence put on my head and now have to feel this way every single Christmas and his birthday. I gave these adopters something they probably longed for … one of the largest selfless gifts you can give someone else… but all I got in return was nothing and that doesn’t seem right. If you give up your child (whether it was willingly or not) shouldn’t life at least give you good things back? The only things I ever got was bullying, not allowed contact with my son and false accusations for trying to scream out to the world so that someone would listen. I was seen as a problem for just being upset at something anyone would be emotionally cut up by. I don’t feel like anything ever balanced out. I didn’t get the things I needed. I was just pushed to the ground and people took what was mine because I was too naive and weak as a person until the last year or so. And, on a final note, that x ray still hasn’t come back and I was told to check again Friday.

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