Some people still have a hold over you years after your paths cross…

I may as well do this entry now because I fell asleep briefly but woke up again. It’s just ridiculous at the moment. I’m tired but hopefully can sleep for a bit after I’ve posted this. There is such a thing where people that have been abused in some way will always feel the same as they did when it was happening. It’s never completely out of your head. It does have an impact on your current life even if you’ve moved on physically and pulled yourself away mentally from everything that happened at that time. A will never see what she did toward me as abuse. She isn’t the type to see how what she did 8 ish years ago left scars on me today emotionally. She never physically touched me but her actions and accusations she made toward me for my autistic traits have left permanent mental, emotional damage which impacts my everyday life. I don’t feel able to ever let anyone close to me in a relationship or whatever even if it was something I wanted to do (the introvert wanting to be alone thing is rather strong in me even though I do get lonely sometimes). It impacts me every time I meet other people. I literally get scared of them, keep apologising in case I accidentally upset them and get petrified of false accusations. I have to have that wall up between me and the other people that surround me. There’s like an imaginary glass barrier that only I can see due to the way that all affected me. I don’t think the way that kind of psychological abuse affected me will ever allow me to go back out there ever again. I never wanted to admit that I suffered any kind of abuse when it came to A but I looked at everything which had occurred and literally the definitions fit aspects of psychological abuse. She probably still enjoys the fact that she has some form of control over my life by her past actions. I hate to give her the satisfaction but it is the way it is. People like her will never apologise because they don’t see that they did anything wrong. They think that what happened was justified and never thought that it would psychologically affect the other person years later. I don’t know how I can no longer be affected or if it will ever go away. I don’t want to be on my own for the rest of my life but I’m still traumatised from that abuse.