I got a few more hours sleep. I’m not awake yet.

I finally got back to sleep for a while at nearly 7 am. I had to eat something at a stupid hour because this diet has left me constantly starving. I tried to only eat just under 1000 calories and go to bed. The problem is I couldn’t function enough to stay asleep on that little amount. I go up to 1500 as a maximum. I can’t get my weight down over the last couple of days any way. I have reduced the amount of walking I’ve been doing because I’m too tired, I need a rest and it’s getting colder. That sometimes brings my weight back down and results in more weight loss. It is just annoying how it shoots back up. I know that I’m days away from my monthly which makes me get a lot of water weight but it doesn’t make me feel better about it. If I’m having problems pushing my weight down now imagine how much of an issue in going to have when they are at the point where they start stopping. It’s a common thing that it makes you wider. I already have that issue before I even reach that point. The women that have skinny figures don’t eat properly to maintain them. I’m reducing weight but my measurements have barely shifted. That doesn’t happen until a large amount of weight loss.

I’m not awake yet. I’m warming up my flat before I get out of bed. I have my clothes warming up on the radiator because they are slightly damp. I hate waking up to freezing cold air. I’m not a fan of the winter at all. I’m fed up of the cost of energy. It’s costing me £10 a day on gas top up but I feel the cold easily so I can’t avoid using it.

I try not to be sensitive to the way that others react to me anymore because most of the time it’s their problem not mine if they’re reacting to stuff that I do or who I am. I don’t care about the perception others have about me as much as I used to do when I was younger. Little things get to me still but that’s probably due to me having autism/suspected BPD. I am very aware of the ways people try to tell me to get lost. Sometimes I even agree with them because I do my own head in and wish I could have a break from myself. I let it bug my mind when others tell me to shut up in even a nice way. I literally go over everything I’ve said in my head analysing it in great detail to see if it was wrong. Then if I find anything wrong I will literally let it affect me for weeks. I do let things keep me awake. I’m not completely over my past. There are things that affect me now because of how people punished me for who I was back then. If you grow up shamed continuously and labelled bad for who you are then it does leave you with certain issues as a grown up.

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