I’m aware that this is going to confuse many people who are just social creatures in general. I absolutely hate all that, but I want to no longer be alone etc. I actually hate other people as a whole due to how they’ve treated me in the past. I have a natural avoidance thing there to anything that involves social interaction. That is probably trauma from how people have treated me. You can have an avoidant personality and that is all part of autism and BPD stuff combined (there is so many parts to it that I simplify it on here otherwise it will confuse most people). If I’m not made to enjoy going out there to social groups etc. then I cannot change my nature. I’ve never really been to anything. I haven’t really wanted to despite wanting more. I get too anxious so it’s not worth the stress doing stuff. I have no one to go with so I just don’t go. The only way to have any kind of life means me going into situations I absolutely hate. I would rather be dead. Even the thought of doing all that makes me already want to go home. If the start of my life hadn’t been the way, then I probably wouldn’t have grown up hating other people naturally. As far as I’m concerned, they all let me down from the very beginning and scarred me emotionally from a young age. People can pick up that I’m different when I go out there and they will treat me like that. I hate the whole thing.