I didn’t sleep for long.

I slept for a few hours but woke up too soon to feel like I had actually slept. I will probably try to get back to sleep for a bit after posting this entry. I feel like I’m wasting my life. It’s just not changing despite the effort I try to make when I’m not tired. I just don’t see many options. I feel that I have no purpose and that makes me think what is the point? I would rather be dead than struggle. If my feeling that I will be dead by 40 since the age of 25 is correct, then I don’t have to wait long to be free of all this stuff. I hate my life most of the time, so I won’t care. The cats will be elderly by then so even they may not be here. I don’t think I was ever meant to be anyway. The fact that I was even born was an accident and basically a stupid decision made by other people. I hope that my son has a reasonable life because that would make my existence at least worth something. If I hadn’t existed, then he wouldn’t have existed. I’m not even depressed, just realistic. I’m tired so maybe a bit grumpy but that is it. I’m not angry anymore but it still hurts me. I can’t wait until I’m no longer alive at this point because living a lonely life is soul destroying at this point. There is nothing for me and I’m too tired to fight for anything at this point.

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