How am I supposed to feel?

When certain conversations and circumstances come together which make me feel like crap it is really triggering for me. I don’t want to go into it fully but via email I get someone tell me they don’t mix professional life with personal life. Client is a client nothing else as that is how they met them etc. That is fair enough if that is actually true. I’m not doubting that it is but there are people who use that excuse to people they just don’t like either. I have done something similar when it comes to trying not to get male attention. I even have a certain look that I have practiced to try to put them off. It isn’t so bad now but when I was younger there was a lot of unwanted attention because I was slim and looked reasonable. I have done that too with those that said they wanted to be friends, but it was obvious that they wanted more which they were never going to get. I have a brain, I’m not just something to look at or a casual … and yes, it is true they think you don’t have a brain if you’re blond (been both dark – natural colour and blond- bleached). If the reason is genuine, I try not to take what someone says personally but it is hard. It’s hard not to think that you’re just not good enough for others. That others don’t see you as a proper person. Then my family member says my blog is crap on the same day. That adds to feeling like you’re absolutely nothing. I get most people in the writing world dismiss my blog without even bothering to read it. Then there is always going to be the unfinished stuff with the likes of A that won’t be sorted if she decides she never wants to put the past in the past and tie up the loose ends with me. Obviously if she had approached me before now, I would have probably not given her a welcome reception, but I’ve grown up more recently.

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