I’m just too used to certain things being the way they are…

Firstly, I finally got into bed after keeping myself awake all day to reset sleep pattern and it feels so nice especially with my electric blanket on. I have been picturing my bed while on a walk in the cold weather that’s how much I wanted to go back to bed all day. Anyway, while I’m just winding down laying here I may as well add a blog entry.

I may have been saying that I was getting frustrated and bored with my life as it is, but I’m used to this life too much now. It’s like being used to being single. That is something I would find weird not to be. It has always been me alone. I sound sad but I haven’t ever really had a proper relationship. Well, they could have been to others but the fleeting temporary nature of them makes me not count those times. I’m quite innocent too. I may have had relations out of marriage. However, I only went with my son’s dad and another guy who only got me in that position because of either getting me too drunk or slipping something in my drink when I wasn’t looking. I can’t prove that he did anything wrong, but I had only two pints of cider which felt like a lot more. Of course, they give it all that crap about you being the only one they want … wasn’t the case, found out that he had a girlfriend and several women he visited to hang out with… probably telling all of them that they were the only one. I have never met anyone genuine yet, so I honestly believe that most of them just want to have a casual hook up with no strings attached. I don’t want that. I want something truly special rather than just a cheap physical kind of thing. I always say that it will take someone exceptional to come along to make me ever consider no longer being single. I have met too many people who turned out to be completely awful and that has put me off for life.

I would also love to do stuff in life but even when I do sleep properly, I get tired easily. I won’t be able to be consistent in anything I decide to do because of that tiredness. Even the 137 step ups challenge I was doing for action aid for the whole of November has had to be suspended because my knee can’t handle it. I’m hoping that people still donate some money because I lasted half of the month. I have the link on diary of a painfully shy introvert facebook and twitter page. If I try to fight that tiredness, I end up ill with a migraine etc. I don’t see myself ever being able to live a normal life. I don’t know if it’s just my autism / mental health issues making me tired, or I have something physical wrong which just hasn’t been diagnosed yet. I have to drop out of things after a while every time I start something because it makes me that tired and then ill when I try to do stuff. It’s not even that I can’t be bothered. I don’t have the energy most of the time. Walking is different from socialising and doing everyday stuff. I’m feeling the cold now before it even is at its coldest. It’s already costing me £8 to £10 a day on my pre-payment meter depending on if my heat is on low or high. I don’t want to spend all my money on the heating (electric is covered by that energy grant from the government) but I feel the cold too much to not put at least £50 to £60 a week on it as it gets colder. I was getting cold before it went cold. That felt bad enough to me before it got to this stage. I need to put my phone down now before I nod off because I can feel that happening and if my phone falls on me I will be woken up too much.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

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