I don’t think I want to go there again.

There has been much discussion in regard to having another child recently with myself and various options. I’m not sure regardless of whether I go down the pride angel donor route or have one with my friend. I am not sure that my friend is fully aware of what he is agreeing to do. I don’t want to be harsh but he is rather simple and doesn’t do a lot, he didn’t even go back to education. I would be a shitty person if I didn’t consider his capabilities. The donor idea would mean I would be on my own again the next time round. I’m not wanting to do either scenario. I get told that your gut feeling is always right. I’m very uneasy when it comes to my gut feeling. I don’t think it’s the right time and I’m only getting uptight about it because of the running out of time age thing. I can’t rush into something just because I feel that I won’t be able to have children due to age. I’m always tired due to health issues anyway so adding a child to that mix would be quite a bad idea. If I’m truly honest I have given up on doing anything in life. I literally have no desire to try most of the time. That isn’t laziness… it comes from years of trying and failing. I was able to get back up and try again easily when I was younger. I just have absolutely no desire to do so nowadays. I looked at education stuff last night and had no desire to go back. That isn’t like me. I was always up for going back to college etc. I may be stubborn and determined in nature but I have lost my desire for life. I just look around and it’s all greyscale. There’s nothing that makes me feel like I’m truly living. I don’t have anything because I either walked away from it all or got pushed out due to circumstances when I was mentally suffering. I’m still mentally tired after the stuff I’ve been through even though I’m over most of the emotional effects.

One thought on “I don’t think I want to go there again.

  1. I would strongly avoid the friend option: from your short description I’ve seen here he sounds very vulnerable. Apart from the assorted risks that could potentially cause for you, it could well mess him up for life, so for his sake, don’t go there.

    As for having your own kids, we’ve had this decision before and you know my opinion so I shan’t restate it; other than I’ve obviously opted out completely now due to age and other reasons. Sometimes I get broody, sometimes it gets to me, but overall it was the right choice, it wouldn’t have worked, people would have been damaged and ultimately life goes on so I’ll attempt to make the best of what I do have. Which isn’t some sort of commiseration prize, it’s more than the alternative would’ve been.


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