Ever thought your not meant to be happy?

I’m still not asleep which isn’t a good thing because now I’ve started thinking and random questions start entering my head like maybe I’m not supposed to be happy? I know other people pretend to be happy but behind closed doors they hide stuff. They are probably at least happy a bit. I can’t say I’ve ever truly been happy at all. I literally cannot remember a time when I ever felt truly happy. Ok when I had my son maybe then but because of what happened it was very short lived. What is the point in all this spiritual stuff and being a decent person if none of the good things come back to you? I’m not saying that you should do good only to receive good back. That isn’t right and if you do stuff for selfish reasons, it won’t bring luck or anything good. Karma knows the intentions so doing stuff for selfish reasons won’t work. I wasn’t the most self-controlled genuinely nice youngster especially in my teens. But isn’t it time I’ve lived out that karma by now? I’ve gone through some really tough stuff so logically I should get happiness, luck or whatever now. I keep getting told that life changes when you least expect it. I’m 35 and it hasn’t yet. I don’t think anyone gives a shit about me so why would I ever get anything good? Let’s face it, I’m nothing but one of those annoying bloggers who has decided to speak out about various things because they were feeling unheard.