It worked out better than I thought today. / mental health becoming a trend…

I got a few phone calls done when I got up. I know that I said I don’t like doing them but sometimes I have to in order to get stuff collected etc. I tidied up a bit and went out for a walk. I need to sort my sleep pattern out because it’s getting ridiculous again. I’m just about better. I think I had a cold thing coming out.

I also want to cover this whole mental health issues becoming a cool trend amongst the younger generation. We (my generation and the above one) worked far too hard, got punished for who we were multiple times for the youngsters growing up now to make it just another trend which it’s cool to be in. Let me just point out that there is nothing cool about having autism or any form of mental illness. When I had my son I felt like I was in a bubble, nothing felt real and I got really angry (which isn’t like me unless I get to meltdown point) and I shouted that I didn’t want my son. I hope he doesn’t remember that because that was in front of him when dealing with the social workers. The anger was toward how they were making the situation not him. We were in a hospital where they had taken him for tests after I confided in someone I thought was a friend who passed onto them they I had hurt him. The paediatrician we saw couldn’t find anything wrong with him but they still took him to the hospital for invasive tests which might have hurt him. Mum asked whether it was due to the baby p case. The doctor dodged the question and said there was loads of baby p’s out there. That did change the system because they missed countless opportunities to take him out of that environment but they didn’t. Every single time the system messes up innocent people end up paying the price. Local authorities start taking children into care just in case. Then they still leave children with drug addicts because ‘they can change’ (look at the wording of the children’s act) but those with disabilities cannot meet that criteria and they aren’t being given the supports to meet it, their children are taken away instead. The social workers are also scared to enter the homes of parents who are violent, addicted to drugs etc. They had no other grounds apart from malicious reports and what I said which their involvement pushed me to do in my particular case. I still remember his face like he felt totally rejected at that point. That haunts me because I know what it was like to feel rejected.

I went for help but I never got it, instead they took my son after using what could have been something like PND or post natal psychosis alongside my autism or suspected BPD. They didn’t provide help even after they took him. I was just left by the system because I was not a straight forward case. I had to get through it on my own and that kind of thing can last for years after you’ve had a baby. I’ve only felt back to normal in the last two years. That would have lasted 8 years in my case. The fact that I realised I was probably BPD like what was suspected but a formal diagnosis never happened has helped because if you understand aspects of what may be wrong with you then you may be able to fix it yourself. I can pull myself back when my intensity may be about to get too much for someone else. I have literally banned myself from the whole favourite person scenario. I just won’t allow my brain to go there because that stops me getting labelled a criminal ever again. I’m hoping that I can make it right with people who may have got dragged into that side of my BPD and after effects of trauma. They have to make the decision that they wish to come forward to do that. I will just roll with it if they decide that they want to make that move. I’ve calmed down a lot since I was younger. I would lash out before thinking it through at that age. I now sit down and think before I say anything. That is a maturity thing though. Some battles aren’t worth entering into because nothing good will come from it. I never show emotion now. I’m very detached when dealing with them. It is the best way to be. That is the only way I will get off that section 117 aftercare clause.

In regard to the whole mental illness / autism being cool… please just stop it. There are teenagers taking mobile phones into psych wards getting themselves sectioned when they don’t really need to be there. They are taking a bed for patients who are extremely mentally ill. The fact that these youngsters know there is something wrong means that they haven’t reached that level of sickness where their brain has completely malfunctioned. I’m sure that some of them are genuine but I’m just pointing it out. I’m sure that they tell you not to film other patients but even if one of them agrees to go on camera with you please remember that they are unwell and if they act in a way that portrays that please give them some dignity by not filming. You’re making a conscious choice to put yourself out there when you’re at the most vulnerable version of yourself. Other people don’t want to do that. We didn’t have the problem of camera phones back when I got sectioned as a teenager. I even have my boundaries. I will take clips of myself when I’m having a bad day mentally, but I do that in a very controlled way. I’m not like all the teenagers coming up now who will literally record the entirety of their existence. I do it on the blog to a point in written form, but it’s still filtered through a system where I know I’m comfortable putting it out there. That is changing as I get older. I used to be a lot more open as a youngster but for 8 of those years (the beginning dates of this blog) I wasn’t myself and my mind was regularly everywhere. This trend thing is just not helpful to those genuinely suffering from mental illness. People are committing suicide every single day in significant numbers throughout world because of mental illness. Please spare a thought for them and their families left behind when you decide it’s fun to treat mental illness as a trend. It was never fun. The suffering is immense and if you spent time in someone’s head who has a mental illness you would see that. It’s not a cool quirk. It affects the entire lives of those who have these conditions.

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