I want to be brutally honest again.

I woke up much earlier than my alarm, so I have a few hours before I need to get up. I’m not feeling completely better yet but it’s going the right way. The way this thing knocked me out last night gave me a better sleep than normal. I would like to carry on with the theme of feeling used and being overlooked. It’s important to point things out sometimes. I’m sure that in my last post it was quite obvious that I felt used when it came to the people who adopted my son. That is my life in general. I have literally helped people get places in life but never got anywhere myself. That is frustrating and sometimes upsets me. I’m totally overlooked in regard to many things. I don’t get seen as a serious option for anything. Sometimes I know it’s the stigma surrounding autism because I test it. I have always been open yes but if others are going to continue to discard me and see me as worthless due to my diagnosis, I’m not going to willingly allow it. We were always conditioned to be open about it to the outside world in the care home setting because the manager said it would get us the right supports. That is how it’s supposed to work in theory. Theory vs reality is different. In theory this world should be mostly full of people who are understanding and tolerant. The reality is drastically the opposite. If I was not autistic etc. I would probably get los of blog readers/ viewers etc. However, I’m overlooked and just not seen by people because of my diagnosis and aspects of who I am. I share my vulnerabilities with the world only to push for change in understanding and acceptance of autism. I used to be much more rawly open before I chose to have some kind of a barrier that I won’t allow to come across on here. I don’t think readers like that so much because my viewer numbers have gone down. I’m just fed up with being overlooked as a person. I’m not a lot in life due to options being limited. Those of us on the benefit system due to having disabilities etc. can’t easily progress in life. We all live in fear of the DWP stopping our money or convicting us as fraud for extra undeclared earnings. That is why I don’t take money for anything I’ve ever done. That doesn’t make me anything less because I didn’t receive monetary payment for doing stuff. Unfortunately, that leaves me trapped in a life I don’t particularly want. I can’t earn over a certain amount or have savings above a certain amount which I can live comfortably off but it’s never going to buy things like a house etc. I have not been on holiday for my entire adult life. I had a passport but just never used it so now it’s expired. It is a poverty trap. I’m grateful for the money I do get but I’m not really able to live a full life on it. I cannot properly make the leap from benefits to working because I get ill and anxious too often to ever be reliable. I probably won’t be able to earn anywhere near enough to replace the means tested benefits I’m currently on. I went back to college and did a bit of open uni but I’m still not really qualified enough. I just wanted to be brutally honest this morning. I’m going back to sleep for an hour until my alarm goes off.

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