I have been and they have agreed that I can have an x ray. They have referred me and I have to ring the number tomorrow. I know it isn’t going to fix it. However, it will show if the same thing has happened in my finger as it did in my foot. I have no idea if it can be fixed. No one has ever given me a straightforward answer to that… is this something I am stuck with that is going to flare up every so often. That isn’t something I want but then I’ve learnt in this life you don’t get anything that you want. It is what it is… even though some get everything they want and that is like really annoying. I tried extremely hard to get stuff when I was younger and ended up getting nowhere. I don’t even have goals anymore because I gave up as I got older. I went for a little walk today when I was going from one place to the next but I’m still feeling so alone. Everyone has someone… well it seems that way when you live such a solitary life. It does make me tearful because the only thing I really have is my cats who would miss me if no one else fed them. I’m not one of a crowd that could be missed. What if my feeling that I’m going to be gone by the time I’m 40 is accurate? Literally I’ve been and gone fleetingly and never left a worthwhile impact on anyone, certainly not positively anyway. The years leading up to that point would have been miserable spent mostly on my own feeling out in the cold. People most likely make fun of me behind my back. It’s a cold existence and it never will get better if what I feel is going to be.

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