I’m in front of myself for once.

I managed to do the stuff that needed doing around my flat quicker than expected. It’s still raining which sucks because I can’t even go for a little walk around after my appointment. The scale pinged up slightly again and it simply cannot be due to how many calories I’ve eaten or burnt. I have balanced that out enough to induce the weight loss process. I know it doesn’t always work but I’m consistent enough for it to be successful most of the time.

I was feeling brave earlier so I literally asked someone in email if we could be friends in the future when they weren’t so busy. I’m aware that people say they’re busy when they aren’t because they really don’t want to be mean (I do it to men all the time – I’m busy from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep (whenever I get to sleep) when it comes to them… because I know they want so much more than I can possibly offer due to the fact that I just don’t fancy them). I’m not being mean. I just am being direct, so they know it is NEVER going to happen. Friends that meet up every so often is not much but some guys (and girls) who want to be friends want so much more long term that with my issues I just cannot offer. I’m not looking for close friends. I have grown up not needing that because friendships never last as an autistic person. They are more seasonal and last for as long as you can be both bothers to make an effort. I have certain people who text me regularly but won’t meet up because they say it’s too far to go (it’s literally a half an hour drive – I lived 70 miles away from where I was born (here) and drove down to stay at family for like 2 days – we don’t see things the same way). It’s a case of I either get a reply and it’s I will think about it or they totally turn around and say hell no b*tch, of course most will probably say that in a nice way but mean the exact same thing. Sometimes you even don’t get a reply because they just don’t want to go there. I don’t take offence. I know that I’m not much to hang with and don’t have a lot to offer. Friends are harder to get as you age. If you don’t have friendships from when you were younger then you’re literally a lone wolf… there isn’t really a lot of other options. I’m so used to being on my own after never really having a proper relationship (it just never felt natural to me being in a relationship at any point in my life) … yes sometimes I feel alone but sometimes I also like being alone because it’s what I’m used to doing. It doesn’t matter how bad I get mentally I always sort myself out and get things done after I come out of that hole I can sometimes fall down. I have only just mastered how to do that. I would just leave everything to build up around me when younger until it was an unmanageable mess. There are still some parts of my environment that is like that… for example: I have to sort out my wardrobe full of clothes which I have just stuck in there because I literally have no room to add to them. Some I will never fit into again and I’m not sure about other bits of clothing because I’m still in the process of losing weight. I can’t wait until I’ve lost a few more stone. I literally have to tackle it before I lose items of clothing. I wear the same outfits now because it’s easier than sorting the mass of clothes in there. I also don’t like trying stuff on when I have a bit of excess weight on me because that weight then really starts to bug me.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

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