I’m bugged constantly for a reason.

I’m sure that others would feel this way if life had gone the same way for them. I am only feeling how it is natural to feel in my personal situation. I have a migraine, so this is probably going to be brief. The fact that I never wanted to come back here but only did so to try to keep my son with me really is frustrating. I had nothing here and never will have anything here. I don’t feel happy here. The memories are not positive, they’re overwhelmingly negative. I will never feel welcome here. This small area is full of bullies who make me unhappy. They don’t always directly attack me, but I do have words when they start on others that I know. Words don’t change others and the general tone of the area I was forced to move back to under duress. Several people have said the exact same thing recently. This area is full of snakes. I think I’ve met some more recently but I cannot be sure yet. I won’t take no shit from anyone after growing up as the quiet shy kid. I have always felt energy and right now they are really feeling off. It just feels wrong. That’s not the point I’m trying to make though. I hate being in this area. It just isn’t for me. I grew up here, but I never saw this as my home. I can’t move somewhere else. I don’t have the cash or the resources so I’m going to have to put up with it. I don’t want to do that… it will continue to frustrate me the rest of my entire life here. I may not be stuck here my entire life due to inheriting a house when my mother passes. I can sell that and buy another in a new area. That might be years away though. I kind of have no idea how to sell a house and organise to go to another one. I find it hard to do what my brain hasn’t done before. I probably can do it, but my mind thinks I can’t because it has no previous memory of that task. That’s why I’m not keen on transferring from benefits into employment because I have never worked and have no idea in regard to how to do things. I would probably be a liability rather than an asset. I’m sure once my brain has picked up tasks it needs to do it could do them automatically but it’s difficult to predict. I don’t know the extent of damage was done to how my brain processes tasks after being treated with zombifying medication for childhood epilepsy from age 8 to 11. I can drive which I have done since the age of 17. There are different types of memory though. Long term and short term. I can do tasks if they’ve been converted to long term automatic memory but not short term. That is why I can drive without forgetting how to do it. I can communicate but not if I don’t have long term memory answers accessible … for example: if someone asks me something unexpected that my long-term memory hasn’t got stored. I can’t find it in my short-term memory without difficulty. It’s so difficult to explain as I’m using my short-term memory to illustrate my point. I constantly have to filter from one part to another to function, but I get tired easily. I always end up burnt out after social interaction. Then when I get that tired I’m tearful and stressed out. I don’t know if it’s a thing but it’s literally difficult to think, function etc. That maybe autism, suspected BPD type stuff but I’m wondering if this was the resulting damage of being given the strong medication as a child. I have always been a bit backwards. I have caught up a bit but I can’t completely reach the development of someone my biological age. I still feel younger in maturity. I’m like 20 odd in that department. I’m always like a decade behind so in my actual 20s I would have had the maturity level of a teenager. When they labelled me at 18 and sent me away, I would have literally had a child’s mind. If you take a decade from that age, it would be 8 years old. Anyway, that isn’t really the point of what I was originally saying on here tonight. I have a reason to feel bugged and it is completely understandable if you look at the whole picture of circumstances.

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