I’m still awake. I should be asleep after only 4 hours yesterday.

I’m tired but still not asleep. I didn’t go to bed early. Instead, I logged onto TikTok live and had half a bottle of wine (it tasted as cheap as the price). I had something to eat but I’m not really up to eating much at the moment. I probably should have just gone to bed but I hadn’t been on live for a while. I do want to sleep but I don’t think it is going to happen. I have been getting more and more restless for weeks. I don’t know why but at this point I can’t settle. It’s really starting to bug me that everyone seems to have someone, but I don’t. That has never bothered me so much before. I have never felt so lost before now. Well, I have but not in the same way. It was different when I was young because I didn’t feel like I was rapidly running out of time then. That is how I feel right now. I can only probably have more children for the next 5 to 7 years. I don’t have the resources to change things in such a short amount of time to successfully get circumstances right. Time is no longer on my side to build things to get certain outcomes. I’m so tired emotionally of holding hopes that will never materialise. Existing is just too much of a waste of time at this point. I have no place in this world and it’s becoming so obvious to me now. Things never really get better regardless of carrying hope that I will for years.

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