I got to sleep quite late and got woken up by rain. That shows how much of a light sleeper I am. This rain is here for the rest of the week. It sucks. That means I might have a few rest days from walking. I need them anyway because my knee is being a pain again. I can’t not keep it moving regularly because it goes stiff if I don’t move it enough. It’s hard to get the balance right. I’m a bit less emotional now I’ve slept. I probably don’t want another child. I just feel left out. I know that not everyone has children by choice, but I feel like the choice was taken away from me. That is what gets to me the most. I get absolutely nothing after being giving my entire life. That makes me wonder why I bothered at all. I made such an effort when I was younger just to be chucked into a life of being on my own when all I did at one point was prioritise other people. I know that after things I went through, I don’t let others get close to me easily. I put a wall up with my autism related behaviours. I don’t want to do it but the unloved child in me starts trying to protect itself. As I say to others a lot … they will never fully know me. I keep a layer of who I am to myself. I never let people access that because this makes me vulnerable. It is where I hide all my built-up trauma. If I have to be avoidant and distant most of the time never to get treated awfully again that is exactly what I will do. People pleasing when your young doesn’t get you anywhere. It doesn’t get you what you want. You are normally the ones that end up with nothing, scapegoated and alone.
I always say when people ask me whether I would get married given the opportunity… no… the person asking me would have to be exceptional before I would do all that. I would NEVER consider marrying someone around here where I grew up. I’m not a snob, they just aren’t for me. I don’t want any association with school days now I’m grown up. I don’t want any reminders of them days including through people I met at school. The fact that circumstances bought me back here is enough for me to tolerate. I can’t afford to move away so I just have to put up with the awful memories of the past I had around here. I don’t have good memories from growing up here so I’m definitely against settling with anyone in relation to marriage. I don’t want to be linked to the small town everyone being related by birth or marriage thing. Technically, most of you have been with many more people around here than you think if you consider the full picture. You may not have directly been with someone, but they have exes etc. I can at least say that with my limited experience I’m not involved in all that. I’m happy away from all that. It’s more peaceful away from all that. I like peace after all the years of constant battles. I wish that I could finally get that in my head. It’s only starting to happen a bit because I literally don’t care anymore about a lot of things that used to mean a lot to me. Things are never going to last forever. People are never going to be around forever. Nothing that is bugging you in the present day is going to be the same in a few years. That becomes so obvious as you grow up. Everything and everyone is literally temporary. Time moves on and so does everything with it. We are never the same people over time. I’m nothing like the person I was even 6 months ago.
I never thought I’d change as a person but maturity creeps up on you suddenly. I’m starting to get lines around my eyes which I wasn’t particularly happy about when I noticed. I was 35 for like a fortnight and then suddenly 3 crow’s feet lines under one eye. I probably have it on both sides, but I can’t see the other side that well due to my lazy eye (I can’t see the wrinkles, they aren’t there). It was like they just pinged out. It’s a weird age. Some people tell me I’m still quite young but then you have the really young ones (for example the ones coming into my TikTok live yesterday evening) who are anywhere between 18 and mid 20s saying that they thought I was attractive until I said my age and they realised I was literally around the same age as their parents give or take a few years. Even my new hairdresser who has just completed her training at the salon I go to is only 18, her mum isn’t much older than me. It’s absolutely crazy. I remember when I used to be part of the younger generation. Then suddenly I’m seen as mature and wise by the youngsters coming into my TikTok live… how did that happen? How did all that time pass so quickly? The last decade has gone by faster than any other part of my life. I feel older than I am due to my knee and somewhat messed up finger. I’m also tired most of the time which has been a permanent thing for at least the last 5 years. I’m just at that point where I just can’t be bothered with pointless drama anymore. The smallest of things bugged me so much before but now it’s just like… whatever, too tired for that. There was a time that I would argue on principle about issues, but I let it slip now because I don’t have the spare energy to function every day and argue over small details. There really is no point arguing about the details of things that happened in the past. It doesn’t even matter anymore. Yes, certain things hurt me so I can’t just let go of that but the details of what went on don’t matter now.
3 responses to “I was woken up by heavy rain at a stupid hour.”
I really enjoyed reading your reflections on being 35. If it’s any consolation, things do get clearer after that and getting older actually isn’t so bad because you become unapologetically yourself and unlearn everything that made you not 100% you. I love being 44. I get the not wanting to get involved with anyone from your whole town I moved 5000 miles away from it for a reason ;D.
As someone on the wrong side of 30, I loved reading this post. I totally relate to not caring anymore. I simply don’t have the energy!
It’s a case of… been alive too many decades to give a sh*t anymore.