Tearful now :(

I got done what I needed to do without getting too nervous. I had to hold back tears because of certain things that came up in conversation. I can’t bite at certain things because I know that different cultures have different ways of doing things. I get upset though because I never chose this life and I hate it. I don’t even want to be around my mother anymore. I will never be free. I see other people’s lives and I got left behind. I did try so hard when I was younger. I was the most ambitious spirited person in a psychiatric unit at the age of 19. So much so that someone I was with loosely at that time continues to tell me that I am up myself due to the fact that I am very strict on myself and others. If we are going to do something, then it’s being done right. I want the best and even back then I aimed for that. That is why this life is torture for me. I can’t change anything even though I hate it. If I was brave enough, I would take my own life and be done with it all. I have tried for many years and I’m really tired. I don’t have any proper friends that I actually hang around with. I feel totally alone at the current time. I hate socialising but don’t want to be alone. I spent so many years intentionally shying away from that. I have nothing because of that. The fact that when I was younger, I used to sing, have the figure of a model and do various roles I paid which involved being in charge for free (the whole payment thing while being on benefits can get you into serious trouble and I find it far too confusing to navigate my way off of them) really annoys me. I can see that I’m losing my looks and getting wider. It’s genetic and at this age I will literally have to fight it. It’s definitely hormones due to age because of where it’s accumulated. I can live off what I get on benefits because of how I have worked the disability part. I save for what I need so I never do without. I’m not lazy though and I did not choose this life. I wanted so much more but now that is all gone. I don’t want to get into fights about people’s stereo types even if they ‘hit a nerve’ whether that is the intention of others or not. You know what I did last night? I used to read tarot cards. I checked them because of being anxious etc. I know exactly what the woman who I saw today thought of me. I may appear dim but reading is one of the things I have done in my life. I’m just some lazy white girl who is so incapable due to being on benefits that she can’t do anything and could have never bought up a child even if she had been given a proper chance. The cards told me before some of her comments today. I’m understanding of other people’s culture, so I don’t say too much back. Plus, just because I’m white it is so easy for someone to say that it’s racially motivated. I don’t see colour or whatever… I never have and I’m not sure if that is just my autism side. None of the things that the world portrays is an actual barrier. Those things have been learnt over generations. Before anyone says anything, I am aware that I have ‘white privilege’ but that has also become a thing through generations. You’re supposed to do certain things in a certain way because that is how we always have done it etc. That is exactly why this is the situation with a lot of things today. That is how we got this attitude about people on benefits. People get a lot of money for doing the things that I have done for free in the past. I have worked hard to get at least some letters behind my name even if I didn’t do the whole course at open uni. I now no longer get ignored when I sign my name with the letters that I’m entitled to use when doing things that again others get paid for under normal circumstances. I get so much more respect when I sign off with my qualifications because I’m not just seen as a person with no job and too disabled to be anything. It is basically a miracle that my brain ever could get to this level after that medication I was given as a child. I was like a zombie for years and everything in regard to writing etc I taught myself. If anything, I have proven that I am strong enough to go and try even if some of it got too hard for me. I’m used to ignorance. If people have crap from anyone, I will go sort it out myself. They never get that shit from them again because of how I do it. Ask absolutely no questions in that department. It doesn’t involve threats etc but I do use my past as an incentive for them to pack it in. The fact that they are aware that I have done all the tarot card reading stuff and can do certain other things probably helps because people are naturally scared of it all. I was when I was younger. It literally chose me. Apparently, I’m not the only one who had natural gifts who got woken up by those shadow people things. I eventually got sick of the mine and told it to F off. It listened and I haven’t seen it since. I had to get rid of these things to ever have a normal ish life. I wouldn’t have ever been the type to touch tarot cards etc if it hadn’t chosen me. I have a rule that no one is allowed to do things like ouija boards in my flat and I will not be a part of that stuff. I already let dark energy onto me by accident as a teenager when I thought that creating a circle of protection around me doing all that stuff wasn’t a necessary step. Believe me it is, never think that just because you’re naturally connected to that stuff that you have any power over the darker side of it. You won’t even realise that it’s taking over your actions until it’s too late. I had to hold up my boundaries constantly for years so that this stuff knew it couldn’t just come in and mess with my life. I also have cats so I make sure that they don’t try to scare them. Animals can see more than we can. I can’t see stuff but I can feel things, have dreams and basically know stuff before they happen. I have sometimes heard things too when I started using it more. I’m not just an unemployed lazy person. I literally never stop despite the fact that I don’t have a proper life. I will shut up now because I’m nearly in tears and going off on a tangent that will probably never end. I’m just sick of being seen as nothing by society.

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